Lady GaGa's "New" CD

Time for my completely meritless opinion on pop music!

Why did I just pay $13.99 for 8 new GaGa tracks?

Two reasons:

One: I am obsessed with the GaGa and two: I'm stupid.

Apparently her new CD was originally intended to be a re-release of The Fame. Instead, Fame Monster contains all the tracks from The Fame with 8 new tracks. DUH - I already own everything from The Fame! I had to buy the whole CD from iTunes before fully realizing what was going on here because I couldn't get that (damn catchy) new tune, Bad Romance out of my brain.

This was sort of a shithead move from whoever is responsible for this. PLUS - and maybe I speak too soon and the songs will grow on me - I only like 3 of the 8 new songs - and 2 of the 3 I like are juuuust barely. What is up with the slow songs? And she definitely does not make her voice as pretty/girly as songs from The Fame (she must love the rumors about her). Not to detract from the fact Bad Romance is a great song and I still love her...I just...expected more.

Brittany Recommends: MTV's Jersey Shore

Bravo's Million Dollar Listing is not my only recent "reality" show guilty pleasure. Oh no. MTV debuted the first two-hour episode of "Jersey Shore" last Thursday. GUIDO-GASM.

I think it is pretty well established that, at least us West Coasters are fascinated with and love Guidos. I'm not talking cool, GoodFellas-type Italian gangsters, I am talking My New Haircut caliber Jersey, fake tanned, over groomed, Affliction shirt wearing Guidos. "Jersey Shore"(Thursday nights, MTV) exploits this weakness and delivers everything we expect from a stereotypical Guido: guys who regularly refer to women as "bitches" and "skanks", douchey hot tub antics, night clubs, way too many exposed chests and girls with nicknames like "Snookie" and "J Wow" who "on a mission to find the hottest, muscley Jersey Guido and take him home".

This group of Guidos and Guidettes (they call themselves that) are a group of strangers living together at a Jersey Shore beach house for the summer. Much like "The Real World" the Guidos/Guidettes are "there to party" but have to work in a t-shirt shop on the pier while living in the house.

Memorable quotes from the first episode include:

"Lose about five or ten pounds and then we'll talk!" -Mike "The Situation" after Angelina refers to herself as "hot" (PS - Mike got his nickname because, he says, his abs are so "ripped up, we call it The Situation")

"Just take your shirt off and let them come to you. Like a fly comes to shit." - Ronnie

"This job is beneath me. I am a bartender, I do, you know, great things." - Angelina

"I’m very anxious to get down there with my hot clothes, and my tan. Just arrive. 'Cause once I arrive it's like, what's up, I'm here." - Mike The Situation"

"My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey, find a juiced, hot, tan guy and live my life." - Nicole "Snookie"

"I got a f---ing tanning bed in my place, that's how serious I am about being a Guido and living up to that lifestyle." - Pauly D

"I left the club early because I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend. And I felt like eating ham and drinking water." - Jennifer "JWow"

I think these quotes sell the show on their own, but if anything else, catch the second episode tonight at 10 so we have something to talk about this weekend. Cheers!

Brittany Recommends: Million Dollar Listing

"You Cheapen This Day!" is Chad Rogers' (left) self-assigned catchphrase. Apparently cheapen is actually a word (it just does not sound right to me...) but that does not change the fact Chad's catchphrase, much like the rest of the reality TV show he is featured on, inexplicably amuse me to no end.

Chad is one of three spoiled, successful Los Angeles real estate agents featured on Bravo TV's "Million Dollar Listing", affectionately referred to by me as "Million Dollar Douchebags".

I discovered this show several months ago and just caught the finale of what is apparently the third season on Monday. Let me tell you how many hours of mindless entertainment this show (even watching episodes twice) as brought me...okay, let's not. Rather embarrassing.

Yes, that is a tiny dog in Chad's arm. Though Chad's sexuality, like the other two young male real estate agents on the show, seems ambiguous at best, Chad is an allegedly straight man with an attractive girlfriend. Starla (doggy) comes with him to showings and real estate events and he proclaims helps him "seal the deal" in obtaining and selling listings. Chad boasts a six hundred dollar scenester haircut and made his attractive girlfriend sign a 50% split custody agreement for Starla, if they break up they share equal "visitation". If Starla's custody arrangement and Chad's genius catchphrase haven't reeled you in yet - don't worry-there are two more slightly less, but still very amusing boys to follow.

Madison, probably the most sane, definitely the most gorgeous and now an "out" gay man (of course..) is the Malibu guy. Right, center. Josh (right, far right) is the 90210 guy who says he "lives, works and plays in Beverly Hills". Obviously born into money, Josh drives his Porsche around the 90210, acts unnaturally aware of the camera following him around and is a (hilarious) sad excuse for a self-proclaimed flirt.

Many bubble-bursters have cautioned me against growing too attached to the reality portion of reality TV. In this case, it is pretty obvious at least some of the interactions in the show are staged, but that only adds to the beauty. People this douchey really don't exist in real life anyway...I hope!

Either way, I would definitely implore you to not "cheapen this day", and give the Million Dollar Douchebags a shot.

Stereotypes

I searched for my blog's URL as a title on Google this morning.

Of course, mine didn't show up but, this blog did:

"Blondes Have More Fun!
Dispite all the stress - life is full of fun surprises!"


(I hope this is like the license plate frame I had in high school - as a joke - top: Blondes, bottom: [upside down] Are Not Dumb....otherwise ...ugh. Okay, I'm done.)

Brittany's Guide To An All American Thanksgiving

10:00 a.m. - Wake up. Shower optional.

10:30 a.m. - Don't eat breakfast in anticipation of overeating later.

11:00 a.m. - Watch people make food...from a comfortable distance (i.e. living room), careful to not get called into the kitchen.

11:15 a.m. - MAYBE volunteer to pick up an LA Times (for Black Friday ads) from 7-11. Consider procrastinating a little longer (lazy) but let greed (the fear 7-11 will run out of LA Times papers) win this time. Those extra $20.00 off that electronic item would come in handy for a DVD or a pedicure.

11: 30 a.m. - Start drinking wine.

12:00 noon - Begin planning tomorrow's retail assault.

1:00 p.m. - Commence complaining re: being hungry.

2:00 p.m. - eat dinner. FINALLY. Seconds necessary. Thirds optional.

3:00 p.m. - Stare blankly at the TV screen while others watch football.

4: 00 p.m. - Eat pie. Continue drinking wine at leisurely pace. Talk/ask questions during football game just to annoy football fans.

5:00 p.m. - Play board games with children. Speed up wine consumption.

6:00 p.m. - Eat more mashed potatoes.

6:15 p.m. - Lay in bed - wait for room in stomach to open up.

6: 30 p.m. - Eat more pie, continue Black Friday war plan.

7:00 p.m. - Watch movie or old Twilight Zone episodes.

8:30 p.m. - Go to sleep. Blame exhaustion on turkey.

2:45 a.m. - Hit snooze button on alarm (add an extra 15 mins to ACTUAL planned wake up time for first alarm interruption.)

3:00 a.m. - Hit snooze button again anyway.

3:15 a.m. - Almost hit snooze button a third time, but manage to force yourself out of bed.

3:30 a.m. - Drive to Wal-mart to purchase Blu-Ray player...holiday gift for yourself.

4:00 a.m. - Arrive at Wal-mart. Can't find parking. Notice line is already long. Stand in line for one hour, but give up on getting the Blu-Ray player before store opens.

5:00 a.m. - Settle for McDonalds drive-thru breakfast and go back to bed.

Things I Am Thankful For: Wardrobe Help

Remember this trend from 1999? Ugg Boots with short mini skirts? Of course you remember it because several poor women are still under the misguided impression this look is either attractive and/or trendy.


Take Exhibit A to the left, for example. Try not to focus on the ratty, box-colored, fakey-looking jet black hair or the blatant booty shot. Furry boots and a stripper skirt? REALLY? Being a product of Southern California, I am not a master on this whole concept of "seasons" but even I know this makes zero sense AND you totally need an adequate stripper heel to pair with that skirt:
Maybe they need sympathy: if they really like Ugg boots (I don't know why...) and live in Venice Beach where the temperature rarely falls below 70 degrees during the day, they have no place to wear these furry beasts without sweating their tanning-salon orange asses off. The above combo is, maybe an attempt to balance body temperature and promote lower body ventilation. Poor girls.

Obviously, I have spent too much time thinking about these outfits and too much energy rationalizing furry boots and skirts. I have decided that I, and I submit that you as well, should be thankful this is still happening. There are not many times that I feel like I have the fashion edge (my favorite clothing items are bedazzled and/or leopard print) so girls who think this looks cute are UNDOUBTEDLY making me look better. So, thank you ladies, keep finding ways to keep those Uggs in your wardrobe while remaining as hoochie as possible: I need all the help I can get.

I Love A Good Man-Hating, Vindictive Anonymous Letter

Calling all women who have moped over the wrong guy.

Yes, the guy all your friends hated and told you was not good enough, the one your mother would have lynched you for even considering, the one that made all of your guy friends die a little inside each time you mentioned.

Come on. All of us have our chubby wannabe Hollywood boy karaoke superstar who got the best of us despite the best advice availalbe - but let this be a lesson. Put up with enough bullshit long enough and good karma will ensue! One day maybe even you can date a future doctor and slam MiniMeatloaf on Craigslist Rants and Raves!




Dear Aspiring Director,

I met you at a karaoke joint and you wooed me with your angelic rendition of Meatloaf. After that, you continued rejecting me for a year despite the fact that you are short, chubby, and look like you are twelve years old, and work as a lowly assistant in Hollywood. My friends told me I was crazy for liking you, but I looked past all that. Maybe it was just the way you sang "I Would Do Anything For Love," maybe it was your quirky sense of humor, maybe I was just desperate at the time we met. But I did like you. A lot.

For a year you rejected me, and for a year I questioned my hotness, personality, and self worth. But now I would like to thank you. Thank you for consistently rejecting me for a whole year. If it wasn't for you making me feel terrible about myself and self worth, I never would have decided to get over you. Once I did get over you, thank you for attempting to get back together with me, taking me out to dinner, turning a new leaf and finally deciding that I was a catch you didn't want to lose.That really boosted my self confidence and sent me running into another boy's arms.

Sincerely,
The One That Got Away

P.S. Did I tell you the new boy is in medical school and going to be a doctor?

P.S.2 Also, he's neither short nor fat

'My Roommate' Is Now On Twitter!

She hates working! She hates showering! She'll go through your trash!

Now that I have introduced you to her (here), you can can get to know her a bit better by following her on Twitter!

http://twitter.com/crzycatladyweho

CRACK

Those who know me, especially the coworkers subject to my questionable lunch habits, know I am a Trader Joe's aficionado. Introduced at a young age by my health-minded mother, I quickly ventured to the realm of obsession when I moved a block away from a store, memorized the entire product line (on accident, I promise) and made friends with some of the employees.

I will just say that, because I know most of you have access to this temple of deliciousness, you have to pick up some of the Vegetable Bird's Nests in the frozen aisle. Yes, I am a vegetarian and a half-assed vegan but I guarantee even my most carnivorous friends will love these things. They are tempura vegetables that heat and get crispy surprisngly well in a convential oven. You will not regret it.

(PS- not sure if they are vegan...)

This Doesn't Count As a Yuppy Snob Blog Post About Movies...

Last week, during New Rules (Real Time With Bill Maher) -- Bill Maher took a shot at the movie Orphan.

I am glad he addressed this because it had been bothering me for several months (I wonder if creepy little kid movies will ever not be a 'good idea' to horror film makers....11:18 PM Jul 2nd from TwitterBerry - me a month ago.)

The Orphan advertising ASSAULT was awful. Those billboards were everywhere - most offensively on the North facing Beverly Center sign where the sexy Bebe ad makes me happy on my way to work in the mornings. They advertised the shit out of this played-out 'Bad Seed'/'The Exorcist'/3984938 movies about possessed children story (the fact it apparently has some stupid 'twist' does not forgive it).

I would imagine similarly to the film, advertising for Orphan was mindless. They could have been like the D-9 movie team and done some weird, confusing 'humans only' shit on bus benches but it was the SAME boring billboard everywhere that told us everything we ever needed to know about Orphan: lame and unimaginative.

Anyways, besides for yet another opportunity to be a h8r, there is a point to this post: Bill Maher is fucking hilarious. One might say a 'great mind.' Since great minds think alike, this not only means, because I happened to notice the same thing as everyone else in Los Angeles, including one of Bill Maher's staff writers, I have a great mind BUT Bill Maher (or his writer) and I have something in common.

h8n

I hate wearing pants and bras so much, which is unfortunate because last time I checked, I live with a crazy cat lady who has a bunch of catholic crosses and creepy mirrors all over the apartment. On the surface, this is not the most pant/bra-free friendly environment.


So, how much does my roommate appreciate my distaste for bras and pants?

Probably as much as I appreciate her misunderstanding about this room being used for showering, not overflow storage, and the random small animal cage she pulled from the trash (I saw it there) sitting in our living room.

A Few Things The World Does Not Need

-Glazed Donuts. I know most of us may once in awhile succumb to the Pink Box of Doom of it is there and we are bored and at least mildly hungry. That doesn't make glazed donuts okay. Deep fried dough covered in sugar....seriously? If anyone can speak to the power of the sweet tooth, it is me, the amazing Ms. Starburst Inhaler. Still, the doughy type of glazed donuts don't satisfy my sweet tooth, they make me excruciatingly thirsty and gag me with pure sugar clumps in my throat. And they definitely don't do anything to assist my ravenous, late morning, empty, post-coffee stomach. MAYBE I have enjoyed me an occasional cake style donut here and there (though I am sure they and muffins are equally bad for me) but I am just going to have to say that the glazed type donuts don't get the same resentful acceptance from me.

- Glow in the dark dogs. Apparently scientists in South Korea have been cloning glow-in-the dark beagles. Yes, doggies that glow under ultraviolet light. Maybe I am lacking some important type of creativity but I can't imagine any alternate universe where this technology would be at all useful. I am considering just throwing cloning all together into this category all together, since variety is supposed to be 'the spice of life'.

-General Motors.

-Starbucks in the grocery store....there is already a stand alone Starbucks in the same shopping center and on every corner. Plus their coffee sucks.

-All the food featured in ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com. And Meat Cakes. Despite my not eating and being typically turned off by meat, the morbid weirdo in me still loves to look at that meat cake. Fascinating and disturbing - so amusing....sorta like a Rob Zombie movie.


-Decoy School Bus Police Stings. A police sting in South Pasadena gave 160 drivers $500 tickets for not stopping for the decoy school bus with flashing red lights on a very busy street. So, it's not enough I get mild anxiety every time I see a CHP car or motorcycle? Now I have to have a mild-moderate freak out when I see a school bus? SO LAME!

Ladies and Gentleman: WE HAVE A PANDEMIC!!

According the the World Health Organization, we now *officially* have a Swine Flu (by the way, I thought the media was not allowed to call it that? haha) Pandemic! I totally thought the Swine Flu drama had dissipated.

Commence media frenzy.......NOW!

Sort of relieved to hear it's back as I have not heard a peep or tweet about it for weeks! Apparently 30,000 people worldwide have the Swine Flu and 144 people have died thus far. People sick and dying is probably not amusing. However, do gotta love the irony in the fact that 175 people (in the United States alone) die each day from the (non-Swine) flu and resulting complications and we freak out about this particular strain.

Just When You Forgot About the Movie 'Final Destination'...

An Italian woman who missed the doomed Air France flight that straight-up disappeared in the Atlantic Ocean near Brazil is reported dead after a head-on collision in Europe just 10 days later.

Article: http://tinyurl.com/lyeq5v


On a less morbid note, I promise I will update my blog with more than one sentence soon!

Q: When Should I Watch The Movie Revolutionary Road?

A: When you feel like sealing the deal on complete hopelessness in life and love. Sooo, yeah, have fun with that.

Craigslist

A South Carolina lawsuit is putting pressure on Craiglist to remove its 'Erotic Services' personals section. South Carolina does not have the Del Taco on Santa Monica Blvd. and Highland so maybe prostitution, humanity's oldest occupation, will just go away if that all works out for them.

Perhaps it's just me wanting to keep effective advertising options open for my fallback career, but I am a little more concerned about when Craigslist is going to start cracking down on Douchebags. After that, the racists who post on Rants and Raves. Then maybe we can talk about the erotic services section.

Please Give Me More Reason to Not Like Baseball!

At risk of yet again presenting myself as unAmerican I just need to say: BASEBALL SUCKS.


I'm sorry Dad and my boring friends who can tolerate hours of guys in tight white pants (many of which far too old and fat to pull them off, mind you), tobacco chewing and the unexcitement involved in an only average 9 points per three hour game. The only two positive things to come from baseball, as a matter of fact, are (1) the inspiration behind Kenny Powers in HBO's Eastbown and Down and (2) Big League Chew bubble gum. (Dodger Dogs might have been included in this list if I were not a vegetarian.)

Before the start of the baseball season Los Angeles would not shut up about Manny Ramirez and his greedy money-grubbing demands to play this retarded game for the Dodgers. Remember people? It was like trying to escape Swine Flu Discussion last week. Anyways, as much as I do not care or want to know about Manny and the Dodgers, I know he wanted more but had to settle for a measly $45 million/2 year contract. Even with those rockstar, super cool braids.

Then what does he do? Injects his ass with some banned hormone and gets himself suspended for a majority of the season. I do not know why anyone who gets paid $45 million to simply play a game and NOT do drugs/take steroids/inject female pregnancy hormoes would risk fucking that up after the Roger Clemens thing went down. But this actually happened. I think this helps my case as I attempt to convince some wavering Mannyless Dodgers fans this Spring that baseball sucks

How Fat Guys Get Hot Chicks

Falling right in line with my couples attractiveness disparity fascination, I have been doing a lot of thinking about a contemporary universal mystery: fat guys and hot chicks.

Using my famous and very unscientific overgeneralized sampling of non-representational populations, I have concluded that heterosexual attractiveness disparities, when present, more often fall into the category of less good-looking man and better looking female. (We can debate the reasons behind this pattern later.) Fat guys and hot chicks are the choice example of this pattern.

But how does this happen? Fat guys in prime breeding grounds (ie: Los Angeles) have largely employed the following procedural hierarchy of hot-chick luring techiques. As you will notice, the hot chick luring techniques use the "having money(most effective) --> talent/prestige --> alcohol (least effective)" pattern. (Of course these three essential factors can be employed and mixed at any level to increase success rates.)

• Being rich. I know this is obvious but it is SO ESSENTIAL we cannot risk leaving it out. Having money is the easiest way to get anything, so it's no surprise it has helped many a fat man land the cutest girl in the room. Wave a few thousand bucks in her face or walk out to your Bentley and BAM! We don't care that you most likely can't see your own penis when looking past your massive gut.

• DJing/Being in a band. Since being rich is not an option for all: don't worry! You can employ a little practice to hook into a psuedo musical career and enjoy an increased likelihood that you will get the hot girl. Yes, it involves a little commitment and does not payoff as well as the above option, but without your band or your turntables, you are just another chubby guy.

• Singing Decent Karaoke After Midnight. When we get to singing decent karaoke after midnight, we are no longer relying on wealth, the top of the technique hierarchy. This technique relies heavily on hot chicks that have been sufficiently liquored up (thus Midnight, this would ensure at least two or three drinks already consumed) and the utlilization of a minimal amount of singing skills/bravado. Though just the liquor or karaoke would be ineffective alone, these two together have been known to produce results. This is a good option if you don't have money or any real talent.

• Go to Cal State Long Beach on a Friday Night With a Bottle of Jager. Always a last resort option for any guy (even fat guys) looking to get laid.

Next time you see a hot girl with a fat guy, try not to get mad, as I hope this has given you insight into the amount of complex planning and hard work he has endured to get that chick. I am sure my research on this perplexing scenario will continue to evolve as long as us ladies continue to be shallow and get wasted.

Put Away Your Scarf

There is an time and a place when it could potentially be appropriate to wear a scarf. In Los Angeles, that time, though still a stretch, could be the two days a year the temperature falls below 60 degrees Fahrenheit. That time would definitely not be a perfect 76 degree Fahrenheit mostly sunny day, despite the fact you passionately believe it completes your trendy hipster ensemble.

Put it away until December if you must have it. Please.

Five Reasons My Rommate Would Weird You Out

Everyone who reads this has probably heard at least a little (but more likely a lot) about my roommate. Yes, she is a fifty + year old cat lady who definitely lives up to the eccentric generalization that just popped into your mind. I am not complaining, I love hanging out with people who are old enough to be my grandparents and I could not possibly discriminate against fifty + year old spinster cat ladies, as a woman well on my way to being one myself. So not complaining, but I do find her entertaining at times, perhaps you will as well:


1. She does not shower in her own bathroom. Instead, she takes a full suitcase full of God knows what to the 24 Hour Fitness down the street where she showers almost every day. Besides for the fact I think she has turned her shower into a makeshift overflow closet, there is nothing wrong with her bathroom.

2. She hates gay people but regularly shares a bed with her girlfriend. I was outraged when Proposition 8 passed, my roommate on the other hand said "GOOD! I voted Yes! Maybe if there weren't so many gays around here I'd have a boyfriend!". That is questionable reasoning in itself, but it is all the more odd when I see her female friend spend the night for several days in a row and sleep in the bed with her instead of on the empty couch.

3. She drinks Costco brand SlimFast-like "Weight Loss Shakes" constantly. Then she bakes big cakes and cooks pasta for us. Perplexing. But delicious. I love pasta and cake.

4. She chooses to live in a run-down apartment in West Hollywood with a 20-something single woman. When she is employed, which may be rare, but it apparently happened more often before I moved in, she makes upwards of $60,000 a year. You could totally afford a decent one bedroom apartment (by yourself) in Los Angeles on that salary. Instead, she has stayed in the same West Hollywood 2 bedroom apartment for 25 years and complains about her neighborhood dating prospects.

5. She loves old school West Coast gangster rap. I couldn't make that up if I tried.

Attractiveness Disparities Are Not Cool

Is there anything more enraging than an individual you find attractive on the arm of another who is significantly less attractive or perhaps even strikingly unattractive? I am not messing around with this whole being shallow thing so I will just throw it out there: NO.

It's equally irritating: the cute guy who dates the fugs girl, maybe the not-so-cute guy who COULD date the cute girl but instead dates the fugs girl. I don't want your life story or a grand explanation about dating for personality instead of looks. Unless there is a Porsche involved or a shared trust fund allowance factor, you men have perpetuated unrealistic ideals of how we are so supposed to look so this whole not shallow business is unacceptable.

Having Clevage

In my young life, I have already faced a number of uphill battles and seen my luck lapse when I try my hardest and really could have used a break in life. We all know challenges build character - mostly bitter, cynical character, but character nonetheless- and we also know that most people are like us and often feel like we get that short end of the stick. Let me tell you just how ironic it is, that after all my ambitious effort to succeed in life and transform myself into an independent, respectable woman, where I feel I get the most breaks: my boobs.

Not that I take them for granted, but it is painfully ironic that, aside from a little adolescent obsessing, it is one thing I have put ZERO effort into and my cleavage is pretty much the only consistent asset in my life that continues to serve me well.

I guess some luck is better than none.

Ass + Kiss = <3

We all like to feel good.

Having your ass kissed feels good.

Sometimes we like to make ourselves feel good.

Some people like to make themselves feel good more than others. I propose these are the people that feel the need to regularly kiss their own asses.

Kissing your own ass is cool for you: I mean, feeling good without actually being or doing something that will make anyone else want to kiss your ass is a good thing, because without you, nobody would kiss your ass and you might never feel good.

Still, if you are so used to kissing your own ass, you might forgotten that it feels a whole fuck of a lot better when someone else kisses your ass on their own account. Yep, for me, I am pretty sure I would rather wait for the off chance there is someone else out there who wants to kiss my ass instead of pretending that my inflated self is impressive enough that I need to kiss my own ass every hour of every day for the rest of my delusional life.

*muah*

How To Be A Single 20-Something Guy in Los Angeles

There is no city in the world like Los Angeles. Along with our now astronomical taxes, pretentious attitudes and overcrowded freeways, we stock only the highest quality single douchebag 20-something men. Here are a few quick tips on how to stay afloat as an asshole in LA:

-You must rank women's attractiveness by numbers, 1-10, 10 being the 'hottest.' I know you may have thought you couldn't do this after 10th grade - but you were wrong. If you are intoxicated in a public place on a Saturday night (bar, etc.) it's a good idea to verbally (loudly) exchange the numbers of each passing female with your boys. Don't even think about being discrete.

- Single does not in any way, shape or form mean not dating/fucking/whatever your preferred nomenclature is. You absolutely must be sexually linked or in the immediate pursuit of a sexual link with at least 3 women to be sufficiently 'single'. Any less and I guess you are just 'lonely.' Single is a power word! This or may not involve the non-verbalization of your intent to withhold commitment, possibly lying about your intent to withhold commitment and DEFINITELY the use of the phrase "it's not you, it's me..."

- Find the sluttiest girl in the room wherever you go and hit on her obnoxiously. This will substantiate your position as most douchey/most single guy in the room and probably scare away any of the relationshipy girls in observable proximity.

- Hit on women walking around while you are driving. Especially if there is more than one of you in the car. I am not very responsive to this, but it must work, or so many of you wouldn't do it.

-Write blog entries about your sex life. Or make a sex tape...actually, maybe only do the sex tape if you are a celeb. Even you wannabe LA singles who haven't actually gotten laid since your second year of college should totally do the blog thing though. It makes you look both desirable and artistic.

-Shop at Kitson on Melrose.

-Eat at Urth Cafe while you are at it. On the patio!

-Drive a BMW 3 Series or Mercedes C Series. Smart girls will know those are the low-end of luxury and think you should have gone with an Acura or Toyota, but the dumb girls will be impressed. I don't have to tell you, the less intelligent the better.

-Wear at least one of these items at all times: True Religion jeans, a scarf (even during summer), Ed Hardy t-shirt, a blingy watch, a shirt with a low v-neck.

These are only a few suggestions, but I hope they reveal the mindset, helpful behaviors, and basic material items necessary to make you the most douchey single guy ever. Best of luck to you!

Blogging

I told my dad to read my blog post about ex-boyfriends that I wrote a few weeks ago. I know men hate that feminist shit-talking stuff so he naturally left me a comment (which I never approved) asking something along the lines of "Don't you have anything better to write about?"

Do I? Wikipedia says "Many blogs provide commentary or news on a particular subject" and I have reached a hasty generalization, after reflecting on the small sample of blog material I have subjected myself to over the years,that a few of the most blogged-about subjects are politics, celebrity gossip, amateur movie reviews, and stories about stupid shit one does when they are drunk.

I can't talk about politics. I waste too much time watching crappy morning news shows and the same episodes of South Park over and over again to stay current on political events. When Anderson Cooper talks I am mostly just drooling over him. Plus, I can't compete with the Huffington Post or anyone smart/arrogant/pushy enough to engage in the discussions.

Celebrity Gossip is out of the question on account of Perez Hilton (and the comparatively inferior TMZ).

Movies. I cannot, in good faith, jump into the business, that many people who fancy themselves intelligent partake in, of publishing unimportant opinions on movies I have recently watched. Movies are great, I like them too, but I am not Roger Ebert and I realize that nobody cares if I enjoyed Milk or what my Oscar predictions are. It blows my mind how many people are confused about their role in the whole move watching and reviewing business.

As far as sharing with the world the beloved genre of moving drunk narratives: I can't even do that. Other people's drunk stories are surprisingly less exciting than your own, which presents a problem for anyone who has a strong desire to share them with the world. But see, even if my drunk stories are mildly entertaining (mostly humiliating) I rarely remember any of them, let alone enough to reveal a quasi-cohesive chain of events.

This is not Stuff White People Like. Sorry Dad, that I have no hope of ever being insightful, but I have diligently exhausted all of my readily available options. Still, I am comforted by the fact I am not confused about my blog entries and am not under the misguided notion, like so many others, that other people are interested.

This ALMOST Made Me Feel Tingley Inside..

I was SO in the mood to indulge in girly lovey-dovey cuteness this morning...after all, when I checked Facebook a bit ago and saw a high school friend I haven't seen since 2003 gave birth to her baby I got teary eyed. I checked Yahoo for the news headlines and saw this title: More People I Love Than Previously Thought.

Awwe. I read through the article, which made a distinction between romantic and obsessive love, the romantic which can endure the test of time and contribute greatly to an individual's overall health and happines. That's cute, right?

I guess I sort of glazed over the first paragraph (I am still on coffee cup no. 1) because the statistic there reads: "Instead about 13 percent of people reported high levels of romance in their long-term relationships, in a new study published in the March issue of the journal Review of General Psychology." Only 13% of people in long-term relationships are romantic? Is that it? And that is more than what they had previously thought? I don't know about you, but unless we are talking about the unemployment rate, 13% is pretty low and not super brag-worthy. That article officially fails at making me feel, as Jasleen would call it, "rommantical". I am shamelessly resorting to cute kitty pictures.


http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090320/sc_livescience/morepeopleinlovethanpreviouslythought

Just A Few Quick Thoughts On the Morning Newscast

I love my morning news shows. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I love the traffic report but I also like to stay on top of the weather forecast (damn I sound boring) and enjoy watching the news and listening to news anchors that are slightly unprofessional and sometimes entertaining.

Being as neurotic as I am, there are naturally things that bug the shit out of me on the morning shows. The less severe, is the weather man, Mark Kriski's, heinous taste in suits and ties. Not all weather reporters can be hot like Jackie Johnson, I know. I also realize that weather men have a reputation for bad suits and ties (with sportscasters being a very close second). However, Mr. Kriski's suits are always too big, he wears too many pinstripes and his ties are always too busy and never coordinate.


Worse, I hate it when Sam Rubin talks about what happened the night before on crappy reality TV. Not that the morning news show is intended to be award-winning journalism, but reality TV is the anti-newsworthy. It just makes no sense. If I cared about what happened on American Idol and Dancing With The Stars, I would have watched and would have no need for the repetitive recap. If I didn't know what happened and needed the full-report on what the judges said and who got eliminated, it probably means that I don't give a shit.

Things I am Thankful For: Being Able to Effectively Breathe

With absolutely no warning, besides my recently diseased also unemployed and home all the time roommate, I woke up with a grotesque cold yesterday.

That is the nastiest feeling: a dry foul-tasting throat, a runny nose and an aching body. Anyways, last night I had one of the worst night's sleeps I've had in a while. I alternated between too hot and too cold, tossed and turned, switched out my hot pillow for a cool one and stared at the cottage-cheese ceiling in frustration for more time than I actually spent in my normal restless sleep.

After these past few days of warm weather, no air conditioner, lots of sneezing and struggling for air, I promise not to take my health for granted for at least a few weeks.

Obsessive Tweeters

Upon logging into Twitter and accessing ones 'Home' screen, one is prompted with the question 'What Are You Doing' and presented with an empty text field just begging you to divulge.

I feel like some of the people I am following take this a little too literally and are maybe logging on wayyyy too much -- this all coming from the unemployed girl who is obsessed with her computer.

Some people feel the need to tweet about EVERYTHING they do, think and feel throughout the course of their day. I am talking 10+ tweets a day. Now, let's be clear: I love Twitter, occasional verbal diarrhea and more than occasional sharing of too much information. However, not even Christian Bale updating about being naked or outrageously pissed off on the set of Terminator Four are interesting enough to make this type of obsessive tweeting appropriate.

I won't say it pisses me off, but it confuses me when people think they need to tell us everyday like clockwork that they just woke up, are going to the gym, taking a crap or falling asleep at night time. Ummmm okay, that's nice. Even more confusing: when someone feels the need to tweet about an activity they are currently engaging in that might be fun. Like, why do you have to disrupt whatever fun stuff you are doing, that you are excited enough to tell us about, to access your Twitter account and tweet about it? Moment killer???

So basically.... When I have a job and less time on my hands, I wish people would either be more interesting or less Twitter-happy so I don't waste as much time reading their crap.

Mr. Touchy-Feely Nightclub Bouncer Guy

Ladies, maybe we are asking for it. We go to a nightclub, most of us scantily clad and willfully too tipsy to exercise anything resembling sound judgment. We say we are going just to dance with our girlfriends but we know what we are really after: obtaining as many free drinks as possible from as many pathetic club-going douchey men as we can. Not that we normally NEED the free drinks, unless you happen to be unemployed or self-employed like myself and my girlfriends, but it's a game, really.

This past Saturday night I was NOT asking for it. I was wearing jeans, a modest t-shirt, even my Converse. I may have bee open to the prospect of squeezing free drinks from vulnerable men given a "too easy" opportunity, but not pursuing it. We are invited onto a promoter's guest list 3 steps towards the club down Hollywood Boulevard. Good. We get past the line and through security with flask safely secured in my 'special' purse. Cool.

Then, to our surprise and dismay, the bouncer stationed at the front door methodically checks all three of our IDs, asks us, all three of us, to spin around for him, makes a comment about our asses and proceeds to go ahead and grab/slap our asses. That is definitely a first. Especially for a club formally used as a Hollywood rave venue desperately trying to establish itself as 'classy.'

So outrageous, it was bordering on funny, I found myself not sufficiently drunk to be amused by this guy. I briefly entertained the not-so-comforting notion that maybe, by nature of our collective female desire to exploit nightclub staff and customers, we deserved this. Sadly, it turns out, us girls, though painfully close, never did get any free drinks Saturday night. I guess that is minus one point for our dignity and another unrefereed point for chauvinism!

Similarities Between Job-Hunting and Dating:

- An embarrassing amount of time spent wondering "Why is my phone not ringing?"
- Isolated incidents of mild jealously directed at those who have good jobs or meaningful relationships
- Increased desire to watch Lifetime movies
- Incessant refreshing of your e-mail inbox
- Heightened alcohol consumption
- Questionable utilization of Craig's List
- Reduced feelings of self worth
- Excessive baby-talking to ones pet cats...or maybe that is just my roommate
- An unusual desire to both cook and consume baked goods

I reserve my right to edit and/or add to this list pending additional time spent engaged in both activities...however, I am pretty sure I get the gist of the end result: more pounds and less sanity.

Metamorphosis : The Life Span of Ex-Boyfriends

Much like insects, ex-boyfriends have a cyclical life span and undergo several notable metamorphoses throughout their typically short-lived lives.

In their larval stage. ex-boyfriends are characteristically underdeveloped and require minimal maintenance. They tend to be sedentary in terms of relationship growth and feed on the female for any growth that does occur in this stage.

The amount of time spent in the larval stage varies greatly, however within several months, ex-boyfriends make an unexpected and often overwhelming metamorphosis into what is technically called their "clingy" stage. Most women, after nursing the creature in the larval stage, are impatiently awaiting this development and some like to refer to the clingy stage with reference to a similar phenomena in nature as the "butterfly" stage.

The creature displays a stark change in disposition after this change takes place. They tend to take heightened interest in both the female and relationship, develop an often smothering reliance of the female for any combination of physical and mental support and experience increasing amounts of both jealousy and a desire to completely overtake the female's life. Markedly different than the larval stage, the female generally retains control during the "butterfly" stage, but the ex-boyfriend still displays occasional flightiness, spontaneous disinterest and, of course, ever present but typically isolated displays of asshole-ism.

Time spent in the "Clingy" or "butterfly" stage varies even more so than time spent in the larval stage. The final chapter in the life of an ex-boyfriend is commonly known as the parasitic stage. Metamorphosis into this final stage can be sparked by any number of events in the life of an ex-boyfriend.

The parasitic stage is distinguished by an end to the relationship. The height of the parasitic phase occurs in the first six months after the closing of the relationship with the female is finalized. The ex-boyfriend voluntarily or involuntarily attaches itself to the life of the female, usually in an obsessive, oppressive or offensive manner. This behavior might involve a physical relocation of it's normal resting place or a restructuring of it's friendships and other outside relationships, focused only on increasing unwanted proximity to the female.

Over an extended period of time, the ex-boyfriend will repress the more distinguishable marks of the parasitic phase, in attempt to attract the original or perhaps other females. However, the parasitic phase is a permanent and final chapter in the lifespan of an ex-boyfriend and though parasitic behaviors may subside, the ex-boyfriend can and will revert back to the height of the parasitic phase with little to no warning.

Why We Shoul Wait Until Tomorrow to Start Our Diets...

...or maybe even one day next week. Even if we are talking hotness, nobody wants to deal with being unimaginable or unmanageable.


[10:51] apicklemonster: seriously htough
[10:51] apicklemonster: ifi lost 20 pounds
[10:51] apicklemonster: my hotness would be unimaginable
[10:51] apicklemonster: lol
[10:51] apicklemonster: its like i need to be 20 pounds heavier so
[10:51] apicklemonster: you know
[10:51] apicklemonster: people can handle me

Thanks Jasleen, I officially do not feel guilty for whatever I decide to eat for lunch.

Most Amusing Defeat of 2009

So, the Lakers might have let the championship slip through their hands last year but at least they didn't lose to the reigning worst team in the NBA (the Clippers, or CLITTERS as Andrew likes to refer to them as) last night!

They lost last night 91 to 93...Damn, I hope I am not jinxing the Lakers. Even more embarrassing, and (I almost hesitate to say) funny, Celtics guard Gabe Pruitt was arrested last night in Hollywood for a DUI after wards.

The fact I did not go to the Boston bar Sonny Mclean's last night is comforting because I would have been the only person in that craphole cheering and oozing giddiness had I witnessed the Clippers win among disheartened Celtics fans.

Detoxing

It's Monday morning, after a weekend of any combination of excessive alcohol consumption, minimal exercise and ridiculous amounts of unhealthy food. You don't feel pretty and the top button on your pants is telling you it's not your imagination.

Solution? 'Detox'!

I know you've probably heard the word 'detox' thrown around a lot, especially if you live in Los Angeles, and you most likely are not completely sure what it means used in the everyday vocabulary of us 20 something women. This is not an accident.

What most of us mean by 'detox' is simple: proceeding to starve oneself for as long as possible. This is normally only a day or two, but the beauty of 'detox' is the fact that this process does not have a conclusive definition and we can present starving ourselves without the negative stimga of dieting/not eating and just maybe fool you into thinking we are doing something that is actually healthy.

The more you know.

Things I Am Thankful For: Not Having Octuplets

So, normally I wouldn't dignify the money/baby hungry Octuplet whore who is raising 14 kids off funds from the State again...but I just need to express how INSANELY grateful I am not to be her. In addition to being an idiot, having 14 young children and is now apparently receiving ridiculous amounts of death threats, well...just look at that picture again.

Okay, seriously done talking about her.

Harmonica Man

Aside from the abundance of self-discovery that Beverly Hills has given me during lunchtime, yesterday, I got something extra special. As Jasleen and I made our way back from Beverly Drive, we heard music. No, it's not Christmastime anymore so it was not holiday tunes buzzing from phantom speakers all over Beverly Hills. Turns out, it was the middle-aged man in a business suit several feet in front of us, all by himself, blowing ever so softly into a harmonica.

Why was he playing a harmonica while briskly walking in front of us on the streets of Beverly Hills? I have no idea, but who needs an explanation when life plops something so refreshing and amusing in your lap.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN AWESOME IDEA!

Hello Legislators and Governator of California!

Just wanted to say thanks for keeping our finances under control while the rest of the state and I were not paying attention to what you were doing. That is what we pay you for but you are just so damn good at it!

Also, good job on this whole conclusion to this budget deficit thing...I know you've probably heard some moans and groans about the fact that our country is in a recession and it might not be the most convenient time to raise gas taxes 12 cents a gallon, double vehicle registration costs, hike the sales tax up 1% and put a surcharge on our income taxes, but don't listen to these people! Most of the people potentially affected are probably already fucked and foreclosed on anyways -- and have most likely left the state.

Never mind that we are still boasting the number three worst schools in the country and number two in foreclosure rates right now after all this so called 'wasteful spending' - we are still elite Californians and have a super cool movie star governor who knows how to get shit done!

Things I Am Thankful For: The Absence of Chirping Crosswalks in My Neighborhood

Last night I attended night two of a failed attempt at a drop-in add at my new local community college - Los Angeles City College. It was a discouraging night and as I left the microbiology lab classroom I got denied access to and got to the sidewalk, a sigh of relief came over me. I was not irritated by the surpringlsy loud sound alternating chirping and cuckooing of the visually-impaired- friendly crosswalk signals because I was too overcome with appreciation that these godforsaken fake bird sounds are something I do not typically have to endure. It's good to be me.

Man Hating with Coworkers: Part One

Since I had to delete my Myspace profile on account of crazy stalkers, my life has been at risk of reduced fulfilment due to decreased accessibility to Andrew's famous Myspace Surveys. Luckily, I have my coworker's love life and our daily repititive conversations about it to amuse me.

Making fun of the men in her life (both the ones she likes -- to get back at them for being douchebags-- and the ones she doesn't like -- because they are stupid) might just deserve a "Things I Am Thankful For" blog posting someday.

For your viewing pleasure and perhaps education (if you are a very dense male), are portions of a pathetic love note from a guy whom she is not interested in, but who is interested in her despite the face he knows she's is interested in someone else.

"So at first i didn't really understand why you were so short with me and disconnect after i asked you out. I assumed it had something to do with that guy"

Plausible translation: I know you rejected me and like someone else but............

"...that night at the bar i know we were both drunk, but it seemed like we hit it off and I left really excited for a date and to spend more time with you"

Plausible translation: I am still desperately clinging to my alcohol induced poor-judgment assessment that you would ACTUALLY be mildly interested in me anyways, even if you were probably just being a tipsy flirt and I clearly get excited about any cute, sort of drunk girl at a bar who does as much as glance my direction..."

"I understand if things between you and that guy are complicated, i know you really liked him."

Plausible translation: Not even necessary...dude clearly demonstrates that he KNOWS she is into someone else

"I guess all i wanted to say is I think your awesome and if you ever did want to come over for dinner and drinks i would still love that."

Plausible translation: I guess I just wanted to make it abundantly clear that I know you don't like me but I am still throwing myself at you...in case you had any doubt whatsoever.


HAHA. I love you guys. To be continued with Part Two sometime in the future: highlights from our makings fun of guys she actually likes (who are still equally retarded, don't worry.)

Things I Am Thankful For: Having No Desire to Smoke Cigarettes

In my attempt to harness more positivity into my life and write more uplifting, less whiney blog posts, I present to you the first installment of my new series: Things I Am Thankful For.

Thing I am Thankful For Number One: Having No Desire to Smoke

This weekend, during my weekly trek down La Cienega to Loehmanns (aka my crack equivalent) I saw what felt like a disproportionate amount of my fellow Los Angeles area pedestrians puffing away on cigarettes. Yes, I am the obnoxious whiner who makes exaggerated coughing noises when I am around smokers but seriously...I don't get it. I can sort of understand older people who have developed a habit over the years but I cannot fathom why anyone in my generation would make the decision to smoke --because even if it is addictive, at one point they made the choice to start.

Now, I will just say, there has been a few times in my life where I considered buying cigarettes. But JESUS, my logic at the time was directed at either (a) Speeding up my inevitable death or (b) Assuring that I appeared to others as disgusted and pathetically out of control as I felt, and I never actually went through with it.

Ummm Hello? Didn't you have to graduate DARE classes in fifth grade? And I know you can't tune out the warnings about dying an early death and that horrifying lady with the hole in her throat. Not only is it expensive and smells vile but subjecting oneself to addiction I just find particularly pathetic "OMG I HAVE TO SMOKE RIGHT NOW!". Ew..

Anyways, so excited I have no desire to smoke, because after all that, apparently some people do. Yep, I will limit my addictions to Loehmanns and black coffee thanks very much.

Stupid People Having Babies

Last week I heard about the birth of octuplets to a Southern California mother who wished to remain anonymous...right away I thought something sounded strange - that many fetuses just do not seem natural for humans. I don't think our baby-bearing bodies were intended to endure the birth of full on litters of infants. Still, I could have not imagined that this SHITuation could have been any more insane than it actually is.

So, some 33 year-old single now unemployed mom who got $165,000 in disability from the State of California for a back injury suffered while working at a State mental facility decides to pop out six children in six years...all of which ended up being concieved via in vitro fertilization.

Then apparently, despite the fact the bitch already six kids AND despite the fact medical guidelines suggest the implanation of no more than two embryos, the fertility clinic implants not two but SIX more, resulting in octuplets. Let's not even go into the fact the reason this woman wanted so many children was because, she says her childhood was dysfunctional...yeah, good reason to force 14 children under the age 7 into the world that a single mom is clearly not capable of caring for on her own.

Such a sad, selfish disgrace to the miracle of life.


Alright, I promise my next entry will be more light-hearted and less bitchy...although I think I am going to just embrace this is going to be a rant blog.

"Viral Narcissism"...Really??

I first got tagged in the widespread Facebook note "25 Things" a week and half ago. It only took a few days and a few more tags before I decided to cave in to what seemed a little juvenile and post my own. Juvenile-maybe, A huge waste of time-obviously but according to the arrogant asshole at Time who wrote this article, this innocent note was a part of a larger "viral narcissim" sweeping the Facebook community.

Okay....I am not quite sure what exactly is so offensive here. I have read many of my friends' "25 Things" notes and I find them at least a little entertaining, often endearing and perhaps even interesting. I mean, wasting time and revealing far too much about oneself are, in my opinion, the guiding principals of not only Myspace and Facebook (and other social networking sites) but most of the internet as I know it.

Ms. Too-Cool-For-School Time Magazine isn't too awesome for a Facebook so how is it that she is so above "25 Things?" Hmm? I am completely unconvinced she is in fact cooler than me and not apologetic if she finds me narcissistic for maintaining a Facebook account and posting whatever damn notes I feel like posting, even if they are silly chain messages.

Plus, she totally talked shit on Twitter.

Lunch Time in Beverly Hills: Based On a True Story

This blog entry is a public reply to Jasleen's highly fictionalized interpretation of our lunchtime walks on the streets of Beverly Hills, which can be found here.


Working in Beverly Hills SUCKS for my ego. During my interview, I must admit, I was impressed with Beverly Hills as a newbie Angeleno and virtual BH virgin..."HEY the Zip Code is 90210! Like the show!! Cool!" "DAMN! A BENTLEY!". The novelty quickly wore off.

More recently, my lunch breaks have become a sad, sad reminder about how I am not rich or married to a rich guy, am not a size zero, cannot afford to get my hair cut by Terence at Christophe Salon on a regular basis, do not have the financial capacity to afford a $1000 plus outfit and/or a Gucci bag (even if they are hideous) AND I drive a 1992 Honda with a horrible paint and no radio. Plus, I totally saw a douchebag pedestrian get hit by a Toyota Prius in the street because he was trying to hit on an ugly blonde girl in a Porsche which was traumatizing and not cool at all.

The fact that, by Beverly Hills standards, I am poor, fat and ugly is not what makes Armani, Kitson, and the vast majority of Rodeo Drive undesirable for me. The expressed unimpressed disinterest Jasleen speaks of in her blog (just for the record) : completely geunine. I don't have to pretend, that shit is fucking uuuugly! Betsey Johnson and Beverly Feldman are still sort of expensive, put anything by those ladies in front of me and I will follow orders like a Pavlovian dog. Not good enough for Beverly Hills elitists though. No, the majority of the stores on Rodeo Drive and I am convinced most rich people have horrible taste.

So, I don't need you to think I am cute, skinny or good enough, Beverly Hills. I am adorable in the suburbs and I think your outfit sucks.


PS - I don't just stand in the store and giggle at Jasleen being obnoxious. Okay. Maybe I do.

Shooting E-mails

Perhaps not all are not as easily amused or completely obsessed with Andrew as I am...











January 5, 2009

[13:47] ImHalfAsian: do people in your office say they will 'shoot' emails to so and so?
[13:50] BrittyBoo85: lmao
[13:50] BrittyBoo85: no
[13:50] BrittyBoo85: does that verbage both you?
[13:51] ImHalfAsian: lol no but it just sounds funny
[13:51] ImHalfAsian: 'yeah i'll shoot you an email'
[13:52] BrittyBoo85: lmao
[13:54] ImHalfAsian: i just imagined email shooting would something you heard a lot in your office

January 7, 2009:

[10:59] ImHalfAsian: yeah that was gaaaaaaaay
[10:59] ImHalfAsian: they were diong good but kept shooting 2 many 3s
[10:59] ImHalfAsian: now all the fans will be shooting them hate mail

January 22, 2009

[14:20] ImHalfAsian: i am going to email you a survey
[14:20] ImHalfAsian: i am going to SHOOT you an email


February 2, 2009

[14:24] imhalfasian: Cheryl L Dahlin - LillyCollab [2:25 PM]:
if you find one of these 36 that actually did ship...shoot me over the name and ticket number..k?

[14:24] BrittyBoo85: LMAO
[14:24] BrittyBoo85: SHOOT IT ON OVER!
[14:27] imhalfasian: SHOOOOOOOOOT
[14:28] imhalfasian: i hope i find some
[14:28] imhalfasian: so i can IM her
[14:28] imhalfasian: and say "i just shot you an e-mail"

Back In Black

A man who claimed to be an internet marketing expert (who is actually my know-it-all- accountant former employer) once told me that the only websites and blogs in which a black background was acceptable are those that display pornography.

If that is true...feel free to commence an argument with me now. My former boss might know what's up with a shit pile of pornography sites, but even reflecting on Two Girls and a Cup does not ruin black backgrounds for me. I am not buying it.

Black backgrounds are TOTALLY sleek and particularly useful for websites as you can suck at Photoshop (or I guess Paint?) and cover up your un-skills with a plain ol' shade of black and the untrained eye will think you are AWESOME. See, I know things. Wasting away entire weekends during some very reclusive middle school years making AOL Homepages about Beanie Babies on dial up makes me knowledgeable.

Anyways, thank you for reading my first post. I hope I am not too bitchy because I unfortunately, in preparation of my impending visit to my parents' I have been dieting this week. My coworkers tell me I am cranky when not indulging in the vending machine delights of Cheetos and Twix. They are probably right. I will try to make this more consistent than my last, most recent but not too recent attempt at blogging.

So, though I feel like I don't really need your support in this whole black background decision, maybe I am still secretly hoping it offends someone out there. Thoughts?