Guide To Awkward Elevator Rides

1. After pushing the call button and fidgeting while waiting for the red light, stare eagerly at the double doors about to open. Position yourself directly in front and center of the double doors to ensure IF someone is exiting, an awkward three-step avoidance dance will ensue.

2. If the doors open to a elevator with additional people continuing on with you - it is customary to portray your heart sinking to your feet. Feel free to let out an audible sigh each time a button is pressed before your stop.

3. If the elevators are empty, quickly dart inside, pretending not to notice the other woman six feet away, obviously heading towards the elevator. 'Close Doors' button is your friend.

4. The best opportunity for en-route awkward conversation is an instance in which you and one other stranger are trapped inside a moving metal box together. This conversation should begin with with a comment about the weather. Keep the comment to (not greater than) one sentence. It is okay to look at the other rider(s) at this time. However, at all other times during this trip you must keep your eyes fixated at your feet or the mirrors on the walls.

5. Next, about halfway to the first stop, comment on the speed of the elevator, followed by a chuckle or other noise indicating you amuse yourself. Good examples include "Any day now - har har har." or "Moving quickly today! hehehehehe".

6. Especially when paired or left with one stranger, an exit phrase is required when you or the stranger, whomever's stop is first, finally arrive at their floor. This phrase MUST be spoken after you have exited the elevator and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to be facing the other person or looking in their eyes. Try to say something like "Well, have a nice day," as insincerely as possible, while the double doors close again.

You Call It Indignant, I Call It Adorable

By now, it has been well documented that I love to dress up animals. Hats and scarves to doggie bikinis, I love it all. In recent days, however, I have noticed my interests are now starting to expand. Next on the horizon - animals wearing wigs.

I mean, really. How fucking cute and hilarious is that? I am pretty confident this is not just another Britt-being-easily-amused situation. To my surprise and delight (and hopefully to yours as well), I apparently am not alone in taking pleasure in this --to some, allegedly indignant-- fascination. Take a gander at this collection of my favorite photos:


See. They all look perfectly content - animals LOVE attention any way they can get it, including wearing wigs and/or ugly clothing.

Enthusiasm for P.F. Changs

Let me preface this post by saying, though I may enjoy massive amounts of vegetarian lettuce wraps on occasion, P.F. Changs is one of the few things I am not obsessed with.

The following passage is something two people I know well, who will remain anonymous, wrote. Perhaps with the help of some "herbal supplements" but that is just an educated guess :) It amuses me. A lot.

Enjoy!

P.F. Changs: Epic Noms (Terre d'Amour)

From the moment I entered through the revolving door which, if only for an instant, drew the room's eyes to me, I began to feel the warmth of the spotlight shone upon me from the rafters and I truly felt, inside, like the emperor that I have always felt like deep inside. As I strode up to the marble podium, my hand brushed it's polished stone and I felt the royalty of dynasties past seeping into my vulnerable mortal pores. The hostess, like a fallen angel freshly descended from the heavens, offered her precious voice to query my desires, and with the gift of time led me to my fortress among the murals of my elders. I sat for a short time and was approached shortly by my assigned servant, clad in black linens and an eager sparkle in her eye. She handed me a scroll with names of meals fit for their guest of honor. I commanded she bring me back with a gluten-free menu to tend to my celiac-prone bowels and she swiftly trotted to the rear of the restaurant to meet my needs. Finally, I settled on the Mongolian Beef, several tender cuts of succulent cow smothered in a savory and sweet dark sauce and doused with green bits of onion that is green and the Chang's Spicy Chicken, which is in a spicy yet surprisingly sweet and tangy sauce -- WHAT A FANTASTIC COMBINATION! Who would've thought that two such opposite ingredients could come together in such astonishing epicurean sublimity. I mean WOW. HOW DELICIOUS. The finale to my grand royal buffet was the flourless chocolate dome, a palace built just for my innards. As I was handed my royal thanks in the form of a receipt, I was stunned and astonished at the low fee they demanded of me for my night of royal feasting. I rose from my throne with a new-found respect for this temple of fine dining located in the Centerra village. It was really superb.