Complaining About Poor Grammar On Facebook

Apparently 573,561 people “like” the page “The correct usage of "You're", "Your", "There", "Their" and "They're”" on Facebook.

While I am all for a dialogue that encourages a better understanding of our language, I don’t think the stylistically relaxed and informal setting of social networking sites and text messages are the appropriate places to preach about word usage or apostrophes.  If you got frustrated with every person who used poor grammar on the internet, you’d lose your mind…really, this is Facebook: not a cover letter for your dream job or a college dissertation. Congratulations on your confidence in a few basic grammatical fundamentals but let’s not get carried away criticizing people or bragging. I know, it's hard for me to believe too, but there are still people in the world who not have learned English as their first language or, even more shocking, are actually less intelligent than you. Unfortunately, most of the people who fall into that category spent their school years in special education classes or were born addicted to crack; still, I will try not to rain too much on your parade.

Those of us who were fortunate enough to grow up in this country with a (mostly) functioning mind and receive the benefits of our country’s mediocre educational system will remember that underpaid teachers had been begging us to learn when to use "then" and "than" and what an apostrophe means since we were in first grade. The fact that, at the ripe old age of 25, you finally picked a few of those not-very-complicated nuances doesn’t mean you deserve a Nobel Peace Prize – it means you need to get a real job or take a few more classes at community college and expand your greatest academic achievement a bit.

Online Dating Adventures, "I know you are out of my league, but..."

Online dating. Not only does it reduce the chance you are going to end up locking lips with one of your friends' distant sloppy seconds, but, in theory, it seems like it would present the opportunity for you to meet someone completely new in a less intimidating setting, where, under all other circumstances, you might not have stumbled upon one another at all. How romantic, right? I also accepted long ago that I am not the most approachable woman in public settings (Unless you are a gangstery guy who rides the downtown Los Angeles subway system.) I'm kind of shy and I think that men can pick up on "you are gross, just like the others, and I hate you all" better in person.  It's not a great way to meet nice guys.

I've met a few men via online dating for "IRL" dates (some of which I've ended up dating for quite a while) and have come to the conclusion that, even if they aren't a douchey looking guy with a popped collar buying me a fruity drink at a bar, and even if we both have witty profiles and a few things in common, there is no guarantee they are going to be a nice.

I knock myself out trying really hard to be open minded when it comes to men, but how the hell am I supposed to get interested in men who sell themselves to me like this: (I get that I am a bit more wordy than your average bear, but the following are actually copied & pasted from my inbox and are the entirety of the message, not just snippets.)


"you're not difficult to look at."
Wow, thank you? In fact, I will be difficult for you to look at after I block you in .5 seconds for sending me lame messages.

"rawr"
I don't even know what this means or how to respond to it, but if it made sense coming from anyone, it would be a 12 year-old-girl or Ke$sha. 

"Hi, looks like we're in the same field of work."

Yeah, I am pretty sure you and I are the only two people in Southern California who checked the box "Law & Legal Services" under the occupation section on our profiles.  Let's get married and have babies because this connection is all I ever needed out of life.

"My friend says you "look like an adopted cat commercial or something". He's got high standards."

I didn't know whether to be insulted or amused when I read this. This nonsense type of message (along with a semi-insulting message) are actually pretty common tactics. These guys obviously don't have any real wit but have had some success getting a response (albeit an angry one) from women by sending retarded messages like these.

"Wanna Cuddle :)"

 With some strange guy messaging me on the free dating site who doesn't use correct grammar or punctuation? Believe or not, I am going to pass.

.......and,BY FAR the single most common message I get (again, not joking):

"Hi." (with and without smiley emoticon)

Yep, just "hi." My closest friends know that I actually love harassing people by saying hi multiple times & in awkward situations with various punctuation attached (both in spoken and written form) (e.g.: "hi?",  "hi...........", "...hi?????", etc.) but something tells me random internet guy attempting to make uncreative first contact with me doesn't know that.

I almost didn't want to go there, but, here we are: at the risk of making myself sound even more unapproachable than I already have, what the hell is up with guys contacting girls ten levels out of their league? I am no Cameron Diaz but I am not a not fat and not bad looking educated 26-year-old blonde with natural boobs, a real job and good sense of humor. What has this world come to? Is competition really this stiff in Los Angeles? I am glad you are feeling so empowered, but do you honestly think I am going to be interested in a 5'4" tall obese security guard who lives in the valley with his mom? It's insulting like someone low balling you $20 bucks for that quality $300 mint condition sofa you posted on Craigslist. I'll fucking keep my couch and my dignity at that price, thanks very little.

In this digital age, it sometimes feels like we would rather be social networking on the internet than in person and everything is better done over the internet. I have my doubts. Commercials on T.V. say one in four relationships now begin online and I'll have NO problem eating my words if I stick it out and stumble across Mr. Right (I'd even settle for Mr. Right Now), but online dating is starting to feel no less discouraging or draining than any other form of meeting people. I guess what I am trying to say is really no different than what I usually trying to say: "Wow: I am a man-hating bitch and guys REALLY suck."

Missed Connections

Let it be known: I am obsessed with Craigslist's Missed Connections. Is there anything more pathetic than posting about the "moment" you shared with some strange girl in Whole Foods who glanced up when she felt you staring at her? The undeniable attraction two people recognized while changing lanes on the 405?

The answer kids, is no (unless we are talking about one of my ex-boyfriends, in that case, I can make sure there will always be "more pathetic.") These people really do exist, maybe not even for the sole purpose of me laughing at the profound misfortune they experienced when they let "the one" get away at the gas station...before they ever talked.

Sometimes, the sincere posting can just be too much. Call me empathetic, but that feeling of utter humiliation you get when you watch bad standup comedy or maybe even for the fictional characters in Dumb & Dumber, can be oppressive  and impede one enjoying just how hilarious it is when someone else looks like an idiot. If you are having an empathetic type of morning, the next two posts from the Los Angeles Craigslist (clearly authored by the same person) are not sincere pleas for attention from very lonely men, but pretty genius. Let me share:

In love with a vampire phobic burlesque dancer - m4w (los feliz)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Date: 2011-01-24, 12:03AM PST


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your friend and I connected when discussing how little bubble gum there really is in a blow pop. It pissed us both off knowing that we, as a society, spend fifteen minutes licking our way to the prize, only to be disappointed with how big the prize is. She made an off-color joke about her asian ex boyfriend.


You listened to a new monologue I was trying to memorize, compared my look to Danny Bonaduce (rude), and mentioned you admired my ability to eat, drink, and talk simultaneously. I went on to explain how hard i worked to get the crunchy bread to go down with just water, and how at first I needed a milk shake. In retrospect, i think you were making fun of me.






You were sipping a home brew of whole garlic cloves and snapple when your friend grabbed her iPhone and showed me some videos. She touted you as a famous burlesque dancer and it made me jealous. After I watched 4 different videos of you dancing i recognized how hard it must be to live in fear. I watched you dance while eating juniper berries, carving wooden stakes while drenched in holy water, and wailing around on stage with a book (presumably wolfbane). I said off the cuff "how many blow pops would it take to get her to teach me to dance like that?"


turns out I just needed to prove my mortality. We made plans for a garlic breakfast smoothie date (you nasty girl), but I lost your number.


I started a support group for you on facebook titled "Burlesque dancers with Vampire Phobia: is anyone out there like me?" I mean, probably not, but If you "like" the page, you'll see me as the only administrator








holding out for my data entry specialist - m4w (los feliz)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Date: 2011-01-23, 11:59PM PST
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your friend and I connected over how much we like to play pictionary in groups of 12 or more. She likes using colored sharpies, but as a rule of thumb I prefer using only black markers. When I mentioned I was a musician, you pulled out a harmonica from your purse and played a song for me. I could have sworn it was Alanis Morisette, so I told you it reminded me of her and you said you didnt know who that was. I felt like a douche bag. You then told me it was that Ke$ha song "tik-toc." I was in awe of your talent, and your friend told me you didn't even want to be a professional harmonica player. She said you had a dream of becoming a very efficient data entry specialist. I will support whatever decision you make.


When Wynona Rider walked in, you screamed and ran to her in line, and left me alone with the giant bread pudding you ordered. I think you meant to leave me your number but forgot.


If you see this, send me a message. Tell me what color your jelly shoes were when we met so I know it's you.

Guide To Awkward Elevator Rides

1. After pushing the call button and fidgeting while waiting for the red light, stare eagerly at the double doors about to open. Position yourself directly in front and center of the double doors to ensure IF someone is exiting, an awkward three-step avoidance dance will ensue.

2. If the doors open to a elevator with additional people continuing on with you - it is customary to portray your heart sinking to your feet. Feel free to let out an audible sigh each time a button is pressed before your stop.

3. If the elevators are empty, quickly dart inside, pretending not to notice the other woman six feet away, obviously heading towards the elevator. 'Close Doors' button is your friend.

4. The best opportunity for en-route awkward conversation is an instance in which you and one other stranger are trapped inside a moving metal box together. This conversation should begin with with a comment about the weather. Keep the comment to (not greater than) one sentence. It is okay to look at the other rider(s) at this time. However, at all other times during this trip you must keep your eyes fixated at your feet or the mirrors on the walls.

5. Next, about halfway to the first stop, comment on the speed of the elevator, followed by a chuckle or other noise indicating you amuse yourself. Good examples include "Any day now - har har har." or "Moving quickly today! hehehehehe".

6. Especially when paired or left with one stranger, an exit phrase is required when you or the stranger, whomever's stop is first, finally arrive at their floor. This phrase MUST be spoken after you have exited the elevator and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to be facing the other person or looking in their eyes. Try to say something like "Well, have a nice day," as insincerely as possible, while the double doors close again.

You Call It Indignant, I Call It Adorable

By now, it has been well documented that I love to dress up animals. Hats and scarves to doggie bikinis, I love it all. In recent days, however, I have noticed my interests are now starting to expand. Next on the horizon - animals wearing wigs.

I mean, really. How fucking cute and hilarious is that? I am pretty confident this is not just another Britt-being-easily-amused situation. To my surprise and delight (and hopefully to yours as well), I apparently am not alone in taking pleasure in this --to some, allegedly indignant-- fascination. Take a gander at this collection of my favorite photos:


See. They all look perfectly content - animals LOVE attention any way they can get it, including wearing wigs and/or ugly clothing.

Enthusiasm for P.F. Changs

Let me preface this post by saying, though I may enjoy massive amounts of vegetarian lettuce wraps on occasion, P.F. Changs is one of the few things I am not obsessed with.

The following passage is something two people I know well, who will remain anonymous, wrote. Perhaps with the help of some "herbal supplements" but that is just an educated guess :) It amuses me. A lot.

Enjoy!

P.F. Changs: Epic Noms (Terre d'Amour)

From the moment I entered through the revolving door which, if only for an instant, drew the room's eyes to me, I began to feel the warmth of the spotlight shone upon me from the rafters and I truly felt, inside, like the emperor that I have always felt like deep inside. As I strode up to the marble podium, my hand brushed it's polished stone and I felt the royalty of dynasties past seeping into my vulnerable mortal pores. The hostess, like a fallen angel freshly descended from the heavens, offered her precious voice to query my desires, and with the gift of time led me to my fortress among the murals of my elders. I sat for a short time and was approached shortly by my assigned servant, clad in black linens and an eager sparkle in her eye. She handed me a scroll with names of meals fit for their guest of honor. I commanded she bring me back with a gluten-free menu to tend to my celiac-prone bowels and she swiftly trotted to the rear of the restaurant to meet my needs. Finally, I settled on the Mongolian Beef, several tender cuts of succulent cow smothered in a savory and sweet dark sauce and doused with green bits of onion that is green and the Chang's Spicy Chicken, which is in a spicy yet surprisingly sweet and tangy sauce -- WHAT A FANTASTIC COMBINATION! Who would've thought that two such opposite ingredients could come together in such astonishing epicurean sublimity. I mean WOW. HOW DELICIOUS. The finale to my grand royal buffet was the flourless chocolate dome, a palace built just for my innards. As I was handed my royal thanks in the form of a receipt, I was stunned and astonished at the low fee they demanded of me for my night of royal feasting. I rose from my throne with a new-found respect for this temple of fine dining located in the Centerra village. It was really superb.

Lady GaGa's "New" CD

Time for my completely meritless opinion on pop music!

Why did I just pay $13.99 for 8 new GaGa tracks?

Two reasons:

One: I am obsessed with the GaGa and two: I'm stupid.

Apparently her new CD was originally intended to be a re-release of The Fame. Instead, Fame Monster contains all the tracks from The Fame with 8 new tracks. DUH - I already own everything from The Fame! I had to buy the whole CD from iTunes before fully realizing what was going on here because I couldn't get that (damn catchy) new tune, Bad Romance out of my brain.

This was sort of a shithead move from whoever is responsible for this. PLUS - and maybe I speak too soon and the songs will grow on me - I only like 3 of the 8 new songs - and 2 of the 3 I like are juuuust barely. What is up with the slow songs? And she definitely does not make her voice as pretty/girly as songs from The Fame (she must love the rumors about her). Not to detract from the fact Bad Romance is a great song and I still love her...I just...expected more.

Brittany Recommends: MTV's Jersey Shore

Bravo's Million Dollar Listing is not my only recent "reality" show guilty pleasure. Oh no. MTV debuted the first two-hour episode of "Jersey Shore" last Thursday. GUIDO-GASM.

I think it is pretty well established that, at least us West Coasters are fascinated with and love Guidos. I'm not talking cool, GoodFellas-type Italian gangsters, I am talking My New Haircut caliber Jersey, fake tanned, over groomed, Affliction shirt wearing Guidos. "Jersey Shore"(Thursday nights, MTV) exploits this weakness and delivers everything we expect from a stereotypical Guido: guys who regularly refer to women as "bitches" and "skanks", douchey hot tub antics, night clubs, way too many exposed chests and girls with nicknames like "Snookie" and "J Wow" who "on a mission to find the hottest, muscley Jersey Guido and take him home".

This group of Guidos and Guidettes (they call themselves that) are a group of strangers living together at a Jersey Shore beach house for the summer. Much like "The Real World" the Guidos/Guidettes are "there to party" but have to work in a t-shirt shop on the pier while living in the house.

Memorable quotes from the first episode include:

"Lose about five or ten pounds and then we'll talk!" -Mike "The Situation" after Angelina refers to herself as "hot" (PS - Mike got his nickname because, he says, his abs are so "ripped up, we call it The Situation")

"Just take your shirt off and let them come to you. Like a fly comes to shit." - Ronnie

"This job is beneath me. I am a bartender, I do, you know, great things." - Angelina

"I’m very anxious to get down there with my hot clothes, and my tan. Just arrive. 'Cause once I arrive it's like, what's up, I'm here." - Mike The Situation"

"My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey, find a juiced, hot, tan guy and live my life." - Nicole "Snookie"

"I got a f---ing tanning bed in my place, that's how serious I am about being a Guido and living up to that lifestyle." - Pauly D

"I left the club early because I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend. And I felt like eating ham and drinking water." - Jennifer "JWow"

I think these quotes sell the show on their own, but if anything else, catch the second episode tonight at 10 so we have something to talk about this weekend. Cheers!

Brittany Recommends: Million Dollar Listing

"You Cheapen This Day!" is Chad Rogers' (left) self-assigned catchphrase. Apparently cheapen is actually a word (it just does not sound right to me...) but that does not change the fact Chad's catchphrase, much like the rest of the reality TV show he is featured on, inexplicably amuse me to no end.

Chad is one of three spoiled, successful Los Angeles real estate agents featured on Bravo TV's "Million Dollar Listing", affectionately referred to by me as "Million Dollar Douchebags".

I discovered this show several months ago and just caught the finale of what is apparently the third season on Monday. Let me tell you how many hours of mindless entertainment this show (even watching episodes twice) as brought me...okay, let's not. Rather embarrassing.

Yes, that is a tiny dog in Chad's arm. Though Chad's sexuality, like the other two young male real estate agents on the show, seems ambiguous at best, Chad is an allegedly straight man with an attractive girlfriend. Starla (doggy) comes with him to showings and real estate events and he proclaims helps him "seal the deal" in obtaining and selling listings. Chad boasts a six hundred dollar scenester haircut and made his attractive girlfriend sign a 50% split custody agreement for Starla, if they break up they share equal "visitation". If Starla's custody arrangement and Chad's genius catchphrase haven't reeled you in yet - don't worry-there are two more slightly less, but still very amusing boys to follow.

Madison, probably the most sane, definitely the most gorgeous and now an "out" gay man (of course..) is the Malibu guy. Right, center. Josh (right, far right) is the 90210 guy who says he "lives, works and plays in Beverly Hills". Obviously born into money, Josh drives his Porsche around the 90210, acts unnaturally aware of the camera following him around and is a (hilarious) sad excuse for a self-proclaimed flirt.

Many bubble-bursters have cautioned me against growing too attached to the reality portion of reality TV. In this case, it is pretty obvious at least some of the interactions in the show are staged, but that only adds to the beauty. People this douchey really don't exist in real life anyway...I hope!

Either way, I would definitely implore you to not "cheapen this day", and give the Million Dollar Douchebags a shot.

Stereotypes

I searched for my blog's URL as a title on Google this morning.

Of course, mine didn't show up but, this blog did:

"Blondes Have More Fun!
Dispite all the stress - life is full of fun surprises!"


(I hope this is like the license plate frame I had in high school - as a joke - top: Blondes, bottom: [upside down] Are Not Dumb....otherwise ...ugh. Okay, I'm done.)