Stereotypes

I searched for my blog's URL as a title on Google this morning.

Of course, mine didn't show up but, this blog did:

"Blondes Have More Fun!
Dispite all the stress - life is full of fun surprises!"


(I hope this is like the license plate frame I had in high school - as a joke - top: Blondes, bottom: [upside down] Are Not Dumb....otherwise ...ugh. Okay, I'm done.)

Brittany's Guide To An All American Thanksgiving

10:00 a.m. - Wake up. Shower optional.

10:30 a.m. - Don't eat breakfast in anticipation of overeating later.

11:00 a.m. - Watch people make food...from a comfortable distance (i.e. living room), careful to not get called into the kitchen.

11:15 a.m. - MAYBE volunteer to pick up an LA Times (for Black Friday ads) from 7-11. Consider procrastinating a little longer (lazy) but let greed (the fear 7-11 will run out of LA Times papers) win this time. Those extra $20.00 off that electronic item would come in handy for a DVD or a pedicure.

11: 30 a.m. - Start drinking wine.

12:00 noon - Begin planning tomorrow's retail assault.

1:00 p.m. - Commence complaining re: being hungry.

2:00 p.m. - eat dinner. FINALLY. Seconds necessary. Thirds optional.

3:00 p.m. - Stare blankly at the TV screen while others watch football.

4: 00 p.m. - Eat pie. Continue drinking wine at leisurely pace. Talk/ask questions during football game just to annoy football fans.

5:00 p.m. - Play board games with children. Speed up wine consumption.

6:00 p.m. - Eat more mashed potatoes.

6:15 p.m. - Lay in bed - wait for room in stomach to open up.

6: 30 p.m. - Eat more pie, continue Black Friday war plan.

7:00 p.m. - Watch movie or old Twilight Zone episodes.

8:30 p.m. - Go to sleep. Blame exhaustion on turkey.

2:45 a.m. - Hit snooze button on alarm (add an extra 15 mins to ACTUAL planned wake up time for first alarm interruption.)

3:00 a.m. - Hit snooze button again anyway.

3:15 a.m. - Almost hit snooze button a third time, but manage to force yourself out of bed.

3:30 a.m. - Drive to Wal-mart to purchase Blu-Ray player...holiday gift for yourself.

4:00 a.m. - Arrive at Wal-mart. Can't find parking. Notice line is already long. Stand in line for one hour, but give up on getting the Blu-Ray player before store opens.

5:00 a.m. - Settle for McDonalds drive-thru breakfast and go back to bed.

Things I Am Thankful For: Wardrobe Help

Remember this trend from 1999? Ugg Boots with short mini skirts? Of course you remember it because several poor women are still under the misguided impression this look is either attractive and/or trendy.


Take Exhibit A to the left, for example. Try not to focus on the ratty, box-colored, fakey-looking jet black hair or the blatant booty shot. Furry boots and a stripper skirt? REALLY? Being a product of Southern California, I am not a master on this whole concept of "seasons" but even I know this makes zero sense AND you totally need an adequate stripper heel to pair with that skirt:
Maybe they need sympathy: if they really like Ugg boots (I don't know why...) and live in Venice Beach where the temperature rarely falls below 70 degrees during the day, they have no place to wear these furry beasts without sweating their tanning-salon orange asses off. The above combo is, maybe an attempt to balance body temperature and promote lower body ventilation. Poor girls.

Obviously, I have spent too much time thinking about these outfits and too much energy rationalizing furry boots and skirts. I have decided that I, and I submit that you as well, should be thankful this is still happening. There are not many times that I feel like I have the fashion edge (my favorite clothing items are bedazzled and/or leopard print) so girls who think this looks cute are UNDOUBTEDLY making me look better. So, thank you ladies, keep finding ways to keep those Uggs in your wardrobe while remaining as hoochie as possible: I need all the help I can get.

I Love A Good Man-Hating, Vindictive Anonymous Letter

Calling all women who have moped over the wrong guy.

Yes, the guy all your friends hated and told you was not good enough, the one your mother would have lynched you for even considering, the one that made all of your guy friends die a little inside each time you mentioned.

Come on. All of us have our chubby wannabe Hollywood boy karaoke superstar who got the best of us despite the best advice availalbe - but let this be a lesson. Put up with enough bullshit long enough and good karma will ensue! One day maybe even you can date a future doctor and slam MiniMeatloaf on Craigslist Rants and Raves!




Dear Aspiring Director,

I met you at a karaoke joint and you wooed me with your angelic rendition of Meatloaf. After that, you continued rejecting me for a year despite the fact that you are short, chubby, and look like you are twelve years old, and work as a lowly assistant in Hollywood. My friends told me I was crazy for liking you, but I looked past all that. Maybe it was just the way you sang "I Would Do Anything For Love," maybe it was your quirky sense of humor, maybe I was just desperate at the time we met. But I did like you. A lot.

For a year you rejected me, and for a year I questioned my hotness, personality, and self worth. But now I would like to thank you. Thank you for consistently rejecting me for a whole year. If it wasn't for you making me feel terrible about myself and self worth, I never would have decided to get over you. Once I did get over you, thank you for attempting to get back together with me, taking me out to dinner, turning a new leaf and finally deciding that I was a catch you didn't want to lose.That really boosted my self confidence and sent me running into another boy's arms.

Sincerely,
The One That Got Away

P.S. Did I tell you the new boy is in medical school and going to be a doctor?

P.S.2 Also, he's neither short nor fat