How Fat Guys Get Hot Chicks

Falling right in line with my couples attractiveness disparity fascination, I have been doing a lot of thinking about a contemporary universal mystery: fat guys and hot chicks.

Using my famous and very unscientific overgeneralized sampling of non-representational populations, I have concluded that heterosexual attractiveness disparities, when present, more often fall into the category of less good-looking man and better looking female. (We can debate the reasons behind this pattern later.) Fat guys and hot chicks are the choice example of this pattern.

But how does this happen? Fat guys in prime breeding grounds (ie: Los Angeles) have largely employed the following procedural hierarchy of hot-chick luring techiques. As you will notice, the hot chick luring techniques use the "having money(most effective) --> talent/prestige --> alcohol (least effective)" pattern. (Of course these three essential factors can be employed and mixed at any level to increase success rates.)

• Being rich. I know this is obvious but it is SO ESSENTIAL we cannot risk leaving it out. Having money is the easiest way to get anything, so it's no surprise it has helped many a fat man land the cutest girl in the room. Wave a few thousand bucks in her face or walk out to your Bentley and BAM! We don't care that you most likely can't see your own penis when looking past your massive gut.

• DJing/Being in a band. Since being rich is not an option for all: don't worry! You can employ a little practice to hook into a psuedo musical career and enjoy an increased likelihood that you will get the hot girl. Yes, it involves a little commitment and does not payoff as well as the above option, but without your band or your turntables, you are just another chubby guy.

• Singing Decent Karaoke After Midnight. When we get to singing decent karaoke after midnight, we are no longer relying on wealth, the top of the technique hierarchy. This technique relies heavily on hot chicks that have been sufficiently liquored up (thus Midnight, this would ensure at least two or three drinks already consumed) and the utlilization of a minimal amount of singing skills/bravado. Though just the liquor or karaoke would be ineffective alone, these two together have been known to produce results. This is a good option if you don't have money or any real talent.

• Go to Cal State Long Beach on a Friday Night With a Bottle of Jager. Always a last resort option for any guy (even fat guys) looking to get laid.

Next time you see a hot girl with a fat guy, try not to get mad, as I hope this has given you insight into the amount of complex planning and hard work he has endured to get that chick. I am sure my research on this perplexing scenario will continue to evolve as long as us ladies continue to be shallow and get wasted.