Craigslist

A South Carolina lawsuit is putting pressure on Craiglist to remove its 'Erotic Services' personals section. South Carolina does not have the Del Taco on Santa Monica Blvd. and Highland so maybe prostitution, humanity's oldest occupation, will just go away if that all works out for them.

Perhaps it's just me wanting to keep effective advertising options open for my fallback career, but I am a little more concerned about when Craigslist is going to start cracking down on Douchebags. After that, the racists who post on Rants and Raves. Then maybe we can talk about the erotic services section.

Please Give Me More Reason to Not Like Baseball!

At risk of yet again presenting myself as unAmerican I just need to say: BASEBALL SUCKS.


I'm sorry Dad and my boring friends who can tolerate hours of guys in tight white pants (many of which far too old and fat to pull them off, mind you), tobacco chewing and the unexcitement involved in an only average 9 points per three hour game. The only two positive things to come from baseball, as a matter of fact, are (1) the inspiration behind Kenny Powers in HBO's Eastbown and Down and (2) Big League Chew bubble gum. (Dodger Dogs might have been included in this list if I were not a vegetarian.)

Before the start of the baseball season Los Angeles would not shut up about Manny Ramirez and his greedy money-grubbing demands to play this retarded game for the Dodgers. Remember people? It was like trying to escape Swine Flu Discussion last week. Anyways, as much as I do not care or want to know about Manny and the Dodgers, I know he wanted more but had to settle for a measly $45 million/2 year contract. Even with those rockstar, super cool braids.

Then what does he do? Injects his ass with some banned hormone and gets himself suspended for a majority of the season. I do not know why anyone who gets paid $45 million to simply play a game and NOT do drugs/take steroids/inject female pregnancy hormoes would risk fucking that up after the Roger Clemens thing went down. But this actually happened. I think this helps my case as I attempt to convince some wavering Mannyless Dodgers fans this Spring that baseball sucks

How Fat Guys Get Hot Chicks

Falling right in line with my couples attractiveness disparity fascination, I have been doing a lot of thinking about a contemporary universal mystery: fat guys and hot chicks.

Using my famous and very unscientific overgeneralized sampling of non-representational populations, I have concluded that heterosexual attractiveness disparities, when present, more often fall into the category of less good-looking man and better looking female. (We can debate the reasons behind this pattern later.) Fat guys and hot chicks are the choice example of this pattern.

But how does this happen? Fat guys in prime breeding grounds (ie: Los Angeles) have largely employed the following procedural hierarchy of hot-chick luring techiques. As you will notice, the hot chick luring techniques use the "having money(most effective) --> talent/prestige --> alcohol (least effective)" pattern. (Of course these three essential factors can be employed and mixed at any level to increase success rates.)

• Being rich. I know this is obvious but it is SO ESSENTIAL we cannot risk leaving it out. Having money is the easiest way to get anything, so it's no surprise it has helped many a fat man land the cutest girl in the room. Wave a few thousand bucks in her face or walk out to your Bentley and BAM! We don't care that you most likely can't see your own penis when looking past your massive gut.

• DJing/Being in a band. Since being rich is not an option for all: don't worry! You can employ a little practice to hook into a psuedo musical career and enjoy an increased likelihood that you will get the hot girl. Yes, it involves a little commitment and does not payoff as well as the above option, but without your band or your turntables, you are just another chubby guy.

• Singing Decent Karaoke After Midnight. When we get to singing decent karaoke after midnight, we are no longer relying on wealth, the top of the technique hierarchy. This technique relies heavily on hot chicks that have been sufficiently liquored up (thus Midnight, this would ensure at least two or three drinks already consumed) and the utlilization of a minimal amount of singing skills/bravado. Though just the liquor or karaoke would be ineffective alone, these two together have been known to produce results. This is a good option if you don't have money or any real talent.

• Go to Cal State Long Beach on a Friday Night With a Bottle of Jager. Always a last resort option for any guy (even fat guys) looking to get laid.

Next time you see a hot girl with a fat guy, try not to get mad, as I hope this has given you insight into the amount of complex planning and hard work he has endured to get that chick. I am sure my research on this perplexing scenario will continue to evolve as long as us ladies continue to be shallow and get wasted.