Stereotypes

I searched for my blog's URL as a title on Google this morning.

Of course, mine didn't show up but, this blog did:

"Blondes Have More Fun!
Dispite all the stress - life is full of fun surprises!"


(I hope this is like the license plate frame I had in high school - as a joke - top: Blondes, bottom: [upside down] Are Not Dumb....otherwise ...ugh. Okay, I'm done.)

Brittany's Guide To An All American Thanksgiving

10:00 a.m. - Wake up. Shower optional.

10:30 a.m. - Don't eat breakfast in anticipation of overeating later.

11:00 a.m. - Watch people make food...from a comfortable distance (i.e. living room), careful to not get called into the kitchen.

11:15 a.m. - MAYBE volunteer to pick up an LA Times (for Black Friday ads) from 7-11. Consider procrastinating a little longer (lazy) but let greed (the fear 7-11 will run out of LA Times papers) win this time. Those extra $20.00 off that electronic item would come in handy for a DVD or a pedicure.

11: 30 a.m. - Start drinking wine.

12:00 noon - Begin planning tomorrow's retail assault.

1:00 p.m. - Commence complaining re: being hungry.

2:00 p.m. - eat dinner. FINALLY. Seconds necessary. Thirds optional.

3:00 p.m. - Stare blankly at the TV screen while others watch football.

4: 00 p.m. - Eat pie. Continue drinking wine at leisurely pace. Talk/ask questions during football game just to annoy football fans.

5:00 p.m. - Play board games with children. Speed up wine consumption.

6:00 p.m. - Eat more mashed potatoes.

6:15 p.m. - Lay in bed - wait for room in stomach to open up.

6: 30 p.m. - Eat more pie, continue Black Friday war plan.

7:00 p.m. - Watch movie or old Twilight Zone episodes.

8:30 p.m. - Go to sleep. Blame exhaustion on turkey.

2:45 a.m. - Hit snooze button on alarm (add an extra 15 mins to ACTUAL planned wake up time for first alarm interruption.)

3:00 a.m. - Hit snooze button again anyway.

3:15 a.m. - Almost hit snooze button a third time, but manage to force yourself out of bed.

3:30 a.m. - Drive to Wal-mart to purchase Blu-Ray player...holiday gift for yourself.

4:00 a.m. - Arrive at Wal-mart. Can't find parking. Notice line is already long. Stand in line for one hour, but give up on getting the Blu-Ray player before store opens.

5:00 a.m. - Settle for McDonalds drive-thru breakfast and go back to bed.

Things I Am Thankful For: Wardrobe Help

Remember this trend from 1999? Ugg Boots with short mini skirts? Of course you remember it because several poor women are still under the misguided impression this look is either attractive and/or trendy.


Take Exhibit A to the left, for example. Try not to focus on the ratty, box-colored, fakey-looking jet black hair or the blatant booty shot. Furry boots and a stripper skirt? REALLY? Being a product of Southern California, I am not a master on this whole concept of "seasons" but even I know this makes zero sense AND you totally need an adequate stripper heel to pair with that skirt:
Maybe they need sympathy: if they really like Ugg boots (I don't know why...) and live in Venice Beach where the temperature rarely falls below 70 degrees during the day, they have no place to wear these furry beasts without sweating their tanning-salon orange asses off. The above combo is, maybe an attempt to balance body temperature and promote lower body ventilation. Poor girls.

Obviously, I have spent too much time thinking about these outfits and too much energy rationalizing furry boots and skirts. I have decided that I, and I submit that you as well, should be thankful this is still happening. There are not many times that I feel like I have the fashion edge (my favorite clothing items are bedazzled and/or leopard print) so girls who think this looks cute are UNDOUBTEDLY making me look better. So, thank you ladies, keep finding ways to keep those Uggs in your wardrobe while remaining as hoochie as possible: I need all the help I can get.

I Love A Good Man-Hating, Vindictive Anonymous Letter

Calling all women who have moped over the wrong guy.

Yes, the guy all your friends hated and told you was not good enough, the one your mother would have lynched you for even considering, the one that made all of your guy friends die a little inside each time you mentioned.

Come on. All of us have our chubby wannabe Hollywood boy karaoke superstar who got the best of us despite the best advice availalbe - but let this be a lesson. Put up with enough bullshit long enough and good karma will ensue! One day maybe even you can date a future doctor and slam MiniMeatloaf on Craigslist Rants and Raves!




Dear Aspiring Director,

I met you at a karaoke joint and you wooed me with your angelic rendition of Meatloaf. After that, you continued rejecting me for a year despite the fact that you are short, chubby, and look like you are twelve years old, and work as a lowly assistant in Hollywood. My friends told me I was crazy for liking you, but I looked past all that. Maybe it was just the way you sang "I Would Do Anything For Love," maybe it was your quirky sense of humor, maybe I was just desperate at the time we met. But I did like you. A lot.

For a year you rejected me, and for a year I questioned my hotness, personality, and self worth. But now I would like to thank you. Thank you for consistently rejecting me for a whole year. If it wasn't for you making me feel terrible about myself and self worth, I never would have decided to get over you. Once I did get over you, thank you for attempting to get back together with me, taking me out to dinner, turning a new leaf and finally deciding that I was a catch you didn't want to lose.That really boosted my self confidence and sent me running into another boy's arms.

Sincerely,
The One That Got Away

P.S. Did I tell you the new boy is in medical school and going to be a doctor?

P.S.2 Also, he's neither short nor fat

'My Roommate' Is Now On Twitter!

She hates working! She hates showering! She'll go through your trash!

Now that I have introduced you to her (here), you can can get to know her a bit better by following her on Twitter!

http://twitter.com/crzycatladyweho

CRACK

Those who know me, especially the coworkers subject to my questionable lunch habits, know I am a Trader Joe's aficionado. Introduced at a young age by my health-minded mother, I quickly ventured to the realm of obsession when I moved a block away from a store, memorized the entire product line (on accident, I promise) and made friends with some of the employees.

I will just say that, because I know most of you have access to this temple of deliciousness, you have to pick up some of the Vegetable Bird's Nests in the frozen aisle. Yes, I am a vegetarian and a half-assed vegan but I guarantee even my most carnivorous friends will love these things. They are tempura vegetables that heat and get crispy surprisngly well in a convential oven. You will not regret it.

(PS- not sure if they are vegan...)

This Doesn't Count As a Yuppy Snob Blog Post About Movies...

Last week, during New Rules (Real Time With Bill Maher) -- Bill Maher took a shot at the movie Orphan.

I am glad he addressed this because it had been bothering me for several months (I wonder if creepy little kid movies will ever not be a 'good idea' to horror film makers....11:18 PM Jul 2nd from TwitterBerry - me a month ago.)

The Orphan advertising ASSAULT was awful. Those billboards were everywhere - most offensively on the North facing Beverly Center sign where the sexy Bebe ad makes me happy on my way to work in the mornings. They advertised the shit out of this played-out 'Bad Seed'/'The Exorcist'/3984938 movies about possessed children story (the fact it apparently has some stupid 'twist' does not forgive it).

I would imagine similarly to the film, advertising for Orphan was mindless. They could have been like the D-9 movie team and done some weird, confusing 'humans only' shit on bus benches but it was the SAME boring billboard everywhere that told us everything we ever needed to know about Orphan: lame and unimaginative.

Anyways, besides for yet another opportunity to be a h8r, there is a point to this post: Bill Maher is fucking hilarious. One might say a 'great mind.' Since great minds think alike, this not only means, because I happened to notice the same thing as everyone else in Los Angeles, including one of Bill Maher's staff writers, I have a great mind BUT Bill Maher (or his writer) and I have something in common.

h8n

I hate wearing pants and bras so much, which is unfortunate because last time I checked, I live with a crazy cat lady who has a bunch of catholic crosses and creepy mirrors all over the apartment. On the surface, this is not the most pant/bra-free friendly environment.


So, how much does my roommate appreciate my distaste for bras and pants?

Probably as much as I appreciate her misunderstanding about this room being used for showering, not overflow storage, and the random small animal cage she pulled from the trash (I saw it there) sitting in our living room.

A Few Things The World Does Not Need

-Glazed Donuts. I know most of us may once in awhile succumb to the Pink Box of Doom of it is there and we are bored and at least mildly hungry. That doesn't make glazed donuts okay. Deep fried dough covered in sugar....seriously? If anyone can speak to the power of the sweet tooth, it is me, the amazing Ms. Starburst Inhaler. Still, the doughy type of glazed donuts don't satisfy my sweet tooth, they make me excruciatingly thirsty and gag me with pure sugar clumps in my throat. And they definitely don't do anything to assist my ravenous, late morning, empty, post-coffee stomach. MAYBE I have enjoyed me an occasional cake style donut here and there (though I am sure they and muffins are equally bad for me) but I am just going to have to say that the glazed type donuts don't get the same resentful acceptance from me.

- Glow in the dark dogs. Apparently scientists in South Korea have been cloning glow-in-the dark beagles. Yes, doggies that glow under ultraviolet light. Maybe I am lacking some important type of creativity but I can't imagine any alternate universe where this technology would be at all useful. I am considering just throwing cloning all together into this category all together, since variety is supposed to be 'the spice of life'.

-General Motors.

-Starbucks in the grocery store....there is already a stand alone Starbucks in the same shopping center and on every corner. Plus their coffee sucks.

-All the food featured in ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com. And Meat Cakes. Despite my not eating and being typically turned off by meat, the morbid weirdo in me still loves to look at that meat cake. Fascinating and disturbing - so amusing....sorta like a Rob Zombie movie.


-Decoy School Bus Police Stings. A police sting in South Pasadena gave 160 drivers $500 tickets for not stopping for the decoy school bus with flashing red lights on a very busy street. So, it's not enough I get mild anxiety every time I see a CHP car or motorcycle? Now I have to have a mild-moderate freak out when I see a school bus? SO LAME!

Ladies and Gentleman: WE HAVE A PANDEMIC!!

According the the World Health Organization, we now *officially* have a Swine Flu (by the way, I thought the media was not allowed to call it that? haha) Pandemic! I totally thought the Swine Flu drama had dissipated.

Commence media frenzy.......NOW!

Sort of relieved to hear it's back as I have not heard a peep or tweet about it for weeks! Apparently 30,000 people worldwide have the Swine Flu and 144 people have died thus far. People sick and dying is probably not amusing. However, do gotta love the irony in the fact that 175 people (in the United States alone) die each day from the (non-Swine) flu and resulting complications and we freak out about this particular strain.