Enthusiasm for P.F. Changs

Let me preface this post by saying, though I may enjoy massive amounts of vegetarian lettuce wraps on occasion, P.F. Changs is one of the few things I am not obsessed with.

The following passage is something two people I know well, who will remain anonymous, wrote. Perhaps with the help of some "herbal supplements" but that is just an educated guess :) It amuses me. A lot.

Enjoy!

P.F. Changs: Epic Noms (Terre d'Amour)

From the moment I entered through the revolving door which, if only for an instant, drew the room's eyes to me, I began to feel the warmth of the spotlight shone upon me from the rafters and I truly felt, inside, like the emperor that I have always felt like deep inside. As I strode up to the marble podium, my hand brushed it's polished stone and I felt the royalty of dynasties past seeping into my vulnerable mortal pores. The hostess, like a fallen angel freshly descended from the heavens, offered her precious voice to query my desires, and with the gift of time led me to my fortress among the murals of my elders. I sat for a short time and was approached shortly by my assigned servant, clad in black linens and an eager sparkle in her eye. She handed me a scroll with names of meals fit for their guest of honor. I commanded she bring me back with a gluten-free menu to tend to my celiac-prone bowels and she swiftly trotted to the rear of the restaurant to meet my needs. Finally, I settled on the Mongolian Beef, several tender cuts of succulent cow smothered in a savory and sweet dark sauce and doused with green bits of onion that is green and the Chang's Spicy Chicken, which is in a spicy yet surprisingly sweet and tangy sauce -- WHAT A FANTASTIC COMBINATION! Who would've thought that two such opposite ingredients could come together in such astonishing epicurean sublimity. I mean WOW. HOW DELICIOUS. The finale to my grand royal buffet was the flourless chocolate dome, a palace built just for my innards. As I was handed my royal thanks in the form of a receipt, I was stunned and astonished at the low fee they demanded of me for my night of royal feasting. I rose from my throne with a new-found respect for this temple of fine dining located in the Centerra village. It was really superb.

Lady GaGa's "New" CD

Time for my completely meritless opinion on pop music!

Why did I just pay $13.99 for 8 new GaGa tracks?

Two reasons:

One: I am obsessed with the GaGa and two: I'm stupid.

Apparently her new CD was originally intended to be a re-release of The Fame. Instead, Fame Monster contains all the tracks from The Fame with 8 new tracks. DUH - I already own everything from The Fame! I had to buy the whole CD from iTunes before fully realizing what was going on here because I couldn't get that (damn catchy) new tune, Bad Romance out of my brain.

This was sort of a shithead move from whoever is responsible for this. PLUS - and maybe I speak too soon and the songs will grow on me - I only like 3 of the 8 new songs - and 2 of the 3 I like are juuuust barely. What is up with the slow songs? And she definitely does not make her voice as pretty/girly as songs from The Fame (she must love the rumors about her). Not to detract from the fact Bad Romance is a great song and I still love her...I just...expected more.

Brittany Recommends: MTV's Jersey Shore

Bravo's Million Dollar Listing is not my only recent "reality" show guilty pleasure. Oh no. MTV debuted the first two-hour episode of "Jersey Shore" last Thursday. GUIDO-GASM.

I think it is pretty well established that, at least us West Coasters are fascinated with and love Guidos. I'm not talking cool, GoodFellas-type Italian gangsters, I am talking My New Haircut caliber Jersey, fake tanned, over groomed, Affliction shirt wearing Guidos. "Jersey Shore"(Thursday nights, MTV) exploits this weakness and delivers everything we expect from a stereotypical Guido: guys who regularly refer to women as "bitches" and "skanks", douchey hot tub antics, night clubs, way too many exposed chests and girls with nicknames like "Snookie" and "J Wow" who "on a mission to find the hottest, muscley Jersey Guido and take him home".

This group of Guidos and Guidettes (they call themselves that) are a group of strangers living together at a Jersey Shore beach house for the summer. Much like "The Real World" the Guidos/Guidettes are "there to party" but have to work in a t-shirt shop on the pier while living in the house.

Memorable quotes from the first episode include:

"Lose about five or ten pounds and then we'll talk!" -Mike "The Situation" after Angelina refers to herself as "hot" (PS - Mike got his nickname because, he says, his abs are so "ripped up, we call it The Situation")

"Just take your shirt off and let them come to you. Like a fly comes to shit." - Ronnie

"This job is beneath me. I am a bartender, I do, you know, great things." - Angelina

"I’m very anxious to get down there with my hot clothes, and my tan. Just arrive. 'Cause once I arrive it's like, what's up, I'm here." - Mike The Situation"

"My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey, find a juiced, hot, tan guy and live my life." - Nicole "Snookie"

"I got a f---ing tanning bed in my place, that's how serious I am about being a Guido and living up to that lifestyle." - Pauly D

"I left the club early because I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend. And I felt like eating ham and drinking water." - Jennifer "JWow"

I think these quotes sell the show on their own, but if anything else, catch the second episode tonight at 10 so we have something to talk about this weekend. Cheers!

Brittany Recommends: Million Dollar Listing

"You Cheapen This Day!" is Chad Rogers' (left) self-assigned catchphrase. Apparently cheapen is actually a word (it just does not sound right to me...) but that does not change the fact Chad's catchphrase, much like the rest of the reality TV show he is featured on, inexplicably amuse me to no end.

Chad is one of three spoiled, successful Los Angeles real estate agents featured on Bravo TV's "Million Dollar Listing", affectionately referred to by me as "Million Dollar Douchebags".

I discovered this show several months ago and just caught the finale of what is apparently the third season on Monday. Let me tell you how many hours of mindless entertainment this show (even watching episodes twice) as brought me...okay, let's not. Rather embarrassing.

Yes, that is a tiny dog in Chad's arm. Though Chad's sexuality, like the other two young male real estate agents on the show, seems ambiguous at best, Chad is an allegedly straight man with an attractive girlfriend. Starla (doggy) comes with him to showings and real estate events and he proclaims helps him "seal the deal" in obtaining and selling listings. Chad boasts a six hundred dollar scenester haircut and made his attractive girlfriend sign a 50% split custody agreement for Starla, if they break up they share equal "visitation". If Starla's custody arrangement and Chad's genius catchphrase haven't reeled you in yet - don't worry-there are two more slightly less, but still very amusing boys to follow.

Madison, probably the most sane, definitely the most gorgeous and now an "out" gay man (of course..) is the Malibu guy. Right, center. Josh (right, far right) is the 90210 guy who says he "lives, works and plays in Beverly Hills". Obviously born into money, Josh drives his Porsche around the 90210, acts unnaturally aware of the camera following him around and is a (hilarious) sad excuse for a self-proclaimed flirt.

Many bubble-bursters have cautioned me against growing too attached to the reality portion of reality TV. In this case, it is pretty obvious at least some of the interactions in the show are staged, but that only adds to the beauty. People this douchey really don't exist in real life anyway...I hope!

Either way, I would definitely implore you to not "cheapen this day", and give the Million Dollar Douchebags a shot.

Stereotypes

I searched for my blog's URL as a title on Google this morning.

Of course, mine didn't show up but, this blog did:

"Blondes Have More Fun!
Dispite all the stress - life is full of fun surprises!"


(I hope this is like the license plate frame I had in high school - as a joke - top: Blondes, bottom: [upside down] Are Not Dumb....otherwise ...ugh. Okay, I'm done.)

Brittany's Guide To An All American Thanksgiving

10:00 a.m. - Wake up. Shower optional.

10:30 a.m. - Don't eat breakfast in anticipation of overeating later.

11:00 a.m. - Watch people make food...from a comfortable distance (i.e. living room), careful to not get called into the kitchen.

11:15 a.m. - MAYBE volunteer to pick up an LA Times (for Black Friday ads) from 7-11. Consider procrastinating a little longer (lazy) but let greed (the fear 7-11 will run out of LA Times papers) win this time. Those extra $20.00 off that electronic item would come in handy for a DVD or a pedicure.

11: 30 a.m. - Start drinking wine.

12:00 noon - Begin planning tomorrow's retail assault.

1:00 p.m. - Commence complaining re: being hungry.

2:00 p.m. - eat dinner. FINALLY. Seconds necessary. Thirds optional.

3:00 p.m. - Stare blankly at the TV screen while others watch football.

4: 00 p.m. - Eat pie. Continue drinking wine at leisurely pace. Talk/ask questions during football game just to annoy football fans.

5:00 p.m. - Play board games with children. Speed up wine consumption.

6:00 p.m. - Eat more mashed potatoes.

6:15 p.m. - Lay in bed - wait for room in stomach to open up.

6: 30 p.m. - Eat more pie, continue Black Friday war plan.

7:00 p.m. - Watch movie or old Twilight Zone episodes.

8:30 p.m. - Go to sleep. Blame exhaustion on turkey.

2:45 a.m. - Hit snooze button on alarm (add an extra 15 mins to ACTUAL planned wake up time for first alarm interruption.)

3:00 a.m. - Hit snooze button again anyway.

3:15 a.m. - Almost hit snooze button a third time, but manage to force yourself out of bed.

3:30 a.m. - Drive to Wal-mart to purchase Blu-Ray player...holiday gift for yourself.

4:00 a.m. - Arrive at Wal-mart. Can't find parking. Notice line is already long. Stand in line for one hour, but give up on getting the Blu-Ray player before store opens.

5:00 a.m. - Settle for McDonalds drive-thru breakfast and go back to bed.

Things I Am Thankful For: Wardrobe Help

Remember this trend from 1999? Ugg Boots with short mini skirts? Of course you remember it because several poor women are still under the misguided impression this look is either attractive and/or trendy.


Take Exhibit A to the left, for example. Try not to focus on the ratty, box-colored, fakey-looking jet black hair or the blatant booty shot. Furry boots and a stripper skirt? REALLY? Being a product of Southern California, I am not a master on this whole concept of "seasons" but even I know this makes zero sense AND you totally need an adequate stripper heel to pair with that skirt:
Maybe they need sympathy: if they really like Ugg boots (I don't know why...) and live in Venice Beach where the temperature rarely falls below 70 degrees during the day, they have no place to wear these furry beasts without sweating their tanning-salon orange asses off. The above combo is, maybe an attempt to balance body temperature and promote lower body ventilation. Poor girls.

Obviously, I have spent too much time thinking about these outfits and too much energy rationalizing furry boots and skirts. I have decided that I, and I submit that you as well, should be thankful this is still happening. There are not many times that I feel like I have the fashion edge (my favorite clothing items are bedazzled and/or leopard print) so girls who think this looks cute are UNDOUBTEDLY making me look better. So, thank you ladies, keep finding ways to keep those Uggs in your wardrobe while remaining as hoochie as possible: I need all the help I can get.

I Love A Good Man-Hating, Vindictive Anonymous Letter

Calling all women who have moped over the wrong guy.

Yes, the guy all your friends hated and told you was not good enough, the one your mother would have lynched you for even considering, the one that made all of your guy friends die a little inside each time you mentioned.

Come on. All of us have our chubby wannabe Hollywood boy karaoke superstar who got the best of us despite the best advice availalbe - but let this be a lesson. Put up with enough bullshit long enough and good karma will ensue! One day maybe even you can date a future doctor and slam MiniMeatloaf on Craigslist Rants and Raves!




Dear Aspiring Director,

I met you at a karaoke joint and you wooed me with your angelic rendition of Meatloaf. After that, you continued rejecting me for a year despite the fact that you are short, chubby, and look like you are twelve years old, and work as a lowly assistant in Hollywood. My friends told me I was crazy for liking you, but I looked past all that. Maybe it was just the way you sang "I Would Do Anything For Love," maybe it was your quirky sense of humor, maybe I was just desperate at the time we met. But I did like you. A lot.

For a year you rejected me, and for a year I questioned my hotness, personality, and self worth. But now I would like to thank you. Thank you for consistently rejecting me for a whole year. If it wasn't for you making me feel terrible about myself and self worth, I never would have decided to get over you. Once I did get over you, thank you for attempting to get back together with me, taking me out to dinner, turning a new leaf and finally deciding that I was a catch you didn't want to lose.That really boosted my self confidence and sent me running into another boy's arms.

Sincerely,
The One That Got Away

P.S. Did I tell you the new boy is in medical school and going to be a doctor?

P.S.2 Also, he's neither short nor fat

'My Roommate' Is Now On Twitter!

She hates working! She hates showering! She'll go through your trash!

Now that I have introduced you to her (here), you can can get to know her a bit better by following her on Twitter!

http://twitter.com/crzycatladyweho

CRACK

Those who know me, especially the coworkers subject to my questionable lunch habits, know I am a Trader Joe's aficionado. Introduced at a young age by my health-minded mother, I quickly ventured to the realm of obsession when I moved a block away from a store, memorized the entire product line (on accident, I promise) and made friends with some of the employees.

I will just say that, because I know most of you have access to this temple of deliciousness, you have to pick up some of the Vegetable Bird's Nests in the frozen aisle. Yes, I am a vegetarian and a half-assed vegan but I guarantee even my most carnivorous friends will love these things. They are tempura vegetables that heat and get crispy surprisngly well in a convential oven. You will not regret it.

(PS- not sure if they are vegan...)