Q: When Should I Watch The Movie Revolutionary Road?

A: When you feel like sealing the deal on complete hopelessness in life and love. Sooo, yeah, have fun with that.

Craigslist

A South Carolina lawsuit is putting pressure on Craiglist to remove its 'Erotic Services' personals section. South Carolina does not have the Del Taco on Santa Monica Blvd. and Highland so maybe prostitution, humanity's oldest occupation, will just go away if that all works out for them.

Perhaps it's just me wanting to keep effective advertising options open for my fallback career, but I am a little more concerned about when Craigslist is going to start cracking down on Douchebags. After that, the racists who post on Rants and Raves. Then maybe we can talk about the erotic services section.

Please Give Me More Reason to Not Like Baseball!

At risk of yet again presenting myself as unAmerican I just need to say: BASEBALL SUCKS.


I'm sorry Dad and my boring friends who can tolerate hours of guys in tight white pants (many of which far too old and fat to pull them off, mind you), tobacco chewing and the unexcitement involved in an only average 9 points per three hour game. The only two positive things to come from baseball, as a matter of fact, are (1) the inspiration behind Kenny Powers in HBO's Eastbown and Down and (2) Big League Chew bubble gum. (Dodger Dogs might have been included in this list if I were not a vegetarian.)

Before the start of the baseball season Los Angeles would not shut up about Manny Ramirez and his greedy money-grubbing demands to play this retarded game for the Dodgers. Remember people? It was like trying to escape Swine Flu Discussion last week. Anyways, as much as I do not care or want to know about Manny and the Dodgers, I know he wanted more but had to settle for a measly $45 million/2 year contract. Even with those rockstar, super cool braids.

Then what does he do? Injects his ass with some banned hormone and gets himself suspended for a majority of the season. I do not know why anyone who gets paid $45 million to simply play a game and NOT do drugs/take steroids/inject female pregnancy hormoes would risk fucking that up after the Roger Clemens thing went down. But this actually happened. I think this helps my case as I attempt to convince some wavering Mannyless Dodgers fans this Spring that baseball sucks

How Fat Guys Get Hot Chicks

Falling right in line with my couples attractiveness disparity fascination, I have been doing a lot of thinking about a contemporary universal mystery: fat guys and hot chicks.

Using my famous and very unscientific overgeneralized sampling of non-representational populations, I have concluded that heterosexual attractiveness disparities, when present, more often fall into the category of less good-looking man and better looking female. (We can debate the reasons behind this pattern later.) Fat guys and hot chicks are the choice example of this pattern.

But how does this happen? Fat guys in prime breeding grounds (ie: Los Angeles) have largely employed the following procedural hierarchy of hot-chick luring techiques. As you will notice, the hot chick luring techniques use the "having money(most effective) --> talent/prestige --> alcohol (least effective)" pattern. (Of course these three essential factors can be employed and mixed at any level to increase success rates.)

• Being rich. I know this is obvious but it is SO ESSENTIAL we cannot risk leaving it out. Having money is the easiest way to get anything, so it's no surprise it has helped many a fat man land the cutest girl in the room. Wave a few thousand bucks in her face or walk out to your Bentley and BAM! We don't care that you most likely can't see your own penis when looking past your massive gut.

• DJing/Being in a band. Since being rich is not an option for all: don't worry! You can employ a little practice to hook into a psuedo musical career and enjoy an increased likelihood that you will get the hot girl. Yes, it involves a little commitment and does not payoff as well as the above option, but without your band or your turntables, you are just another chubby guy.

• Singing Decent Karaoke After Midnight. When we get to singing decent karaoke after midnight, we are no longer relying on wealth, the top of the technique hierarchy. This technique relies heavily on hot chicks that have been sufficiently liquored up (thus Midnight, this would ensure at least two or three drinks already consumed) and the utlilization of a minimal amount of singing skills/bravado. Though just the liquor or karaoke would be ineffective alone, these two together have been known to produce results. This is a good option if you don't have money or any real talent.

• Go to Cal State Long Beach on a Friday Night With a Bottle of Jager. Always a last resort option for any guy (even fat guys) looking to get laid.

Next time you see a hot girl with a fat guy, try not to get mad, as I hope this has given you insight into the amount of complex planning and hard work he has endured to get that chick. I am sure my research on this perplexing scenario will continue to evolve as long as us ladies continue to be shallow and get wasted.

Put Away Your Scarf

There is an time and a place when it could potentially be appropriate to wear a scarf. In Los Angeles, that time, though still a stretch, could be the two days a year the temperature falls below 60 degrees Fahrenheit. That time would definitely not be a perfect 76 degree Fahrenheit mostly sunny day, despite the fact you passionately believe it completes your trendy hipster ensemble.

Put it away until December if you must have it. Please.

Five Reasons My Rommate Would Weird You Out

Everyone who reads this has probably heard at least a little (but more likely a lot) about my roommate. Yes, she is a fifty + year old cat lady who definitely lives up to the eccentric generalization that just popped into your mind. I am not complaining, I love hanging out with people who are old enough to be my grandparents and I could not possibly discriminate against fifty + year old spinster cat ladies, as a woman well on my way to being one myself. So not complaining, but I do find her entertaining at times, perhaps you will as well:


1. She does not shower in her own bathroom. Instead, she takes a full suitcase full of God knows what to the 24 Hour Fitness down the street where she showers almost every day. Besides for the fact I think she has turned her shower into a makeshift overflow closet, there is nothing wrong with her bathroom.

2. She hates gay people but regularly shares a bed with her girlfriend. I was outraged when Proposition 8 passed, my roommate on the other hand said "GOOD! I voted Yes! Maybe if there weren't so many gays around here I'd have a boyfriend!". That is questionable reasoning in itself, but it is all the more odd when I see her female friend spend the night for several days in a row and sleep in the bed with her instead of on the empty couch.

3. She drinks Costco brand SlimFast-like "Weight Loss Shakes" constantly. Then she bakes big cakes and cooks pasta for us. Perplexing. But delicious. I love pasta and cake.

4. She chooses to live in a run-down apartment in West Hollywood with a 20-something single woman. When she is employed, which may be rare, but it apparently happened more often before I moved in, she makes upwards of $60,000 a year. You could totally afford a decent one bedroom apartment (by yourself) in Los Angeles on that salary. Instead, she has stayed in the same West Hollywood 2 bedroom apartment for 25 years and complains about her neighborhood dating prospects.

5. She loves old school West Coast gangster rap. I couldn't make that up if I tried.

Attractiveness Disparities Are Not Cool

Is there anything more enraging than an individual you find attractive on the arm of another who is significantly less attractive or perhaps even strikingly unattractive? I am not messing around with this whole being shallow thing so I will just throw it out there: NO.

It's equally irritating: the cute guy who dates the fugs girl, maybe the not-so-cute guy who COULD date the cute girl but instead dates the fugs girl. I don't want your life story or a grand explanation about dating for personality instead of looks. Unless there is a Porsche involved or a shared trust fund allowance factor, you men have perpetuated unrealistic ideals of how we are so supposed to look so this whole not shallow business is unacceptable.

Having Clevage

In my young life, I have already faced a number of uphill battles and seen my luck lapse when I try my hardest and really could have used a break in life. We all know challenges build character - mostly bitter, cynical character, but character nonetheless- and we also know that most people are like us and often feel like we get that short end of the stick. Let me tell you just how ironic it is, that after all my ambitious effort to succeed in life and transform myself into an independent, respectable woman, where I feel I get the most breaks: my boobs.

Not that I take them for granted, but it is painfully ironic that, aside from a little adolescent obsessing, it is one thing I have put ZERO effort into and my cleavage is pretty much the only consistent asset in my life that continues to serve me well.

I guess some luck is better than none.

Ass + Kiss = <3

We all like to feel good.

Having your ass kissed feels good.

Sometimes we like to make ourselves feel good.

Some people like to make themselves feel good more than others. I propose these are the people that feel the need to regularly kiss their own asses.

Kissing your own ass is cool for you: I mean, feeling good without actually being or doing something that will make anyone else want to kiss your ass is a good thing, because without you, nobody would kiss your ass and you might never feel good.

Still, if you are so used to kissing your own ass, you might forgotten that it feels a whole fuck of a lot better when someone else kisses your ass on their own account. Yep, for me, I am pretty sure I would rather wait for the off chance there is someone else out there who wants to kiss my ass instead of pretending that my inflated self is impressive enough that I need to kiss my own ass every hour of every day for the rest of my delusional life.

*muah*

How To Be A Single 20-Something Guy in Los Angeles

There is no city in the world like Los Angeles. Along with our now astronomical taxes, pretentious attitudes and overcrowded freeways, we stock only the highest quality single douchebag 20-something men. Here are a few quick tips on how to stay afloat as an asshole in LA:

-You must rank women's attractiveness by numbers, 1-10, 10 being the 'hottest.' I know you may have thought you couldn't do this after 10th grade - but you were wrong. If you are intoxicated in a public place on a Saturday night (bar, etc.) it's a good idea to verbally (loudly) exchange the numbers of each passing female with your boys. Don't even think about being discrete.

- Single does not in any way, shape or form mean not dating/fucking/whatever your preferred nomenclature is. You absolutely must be sexually linked or in the immediate pursuit of a sexual link with at least 3 women to be sufficiently 'single'. Any less and I guess you are just 'lonely.' Single is a power word! This or may not involve the non-verbalization of your intent to withhold commitment, possibly lying about your intent to withhold commitment and DEFINITELY the use of the phrase "it's not you, it's me..."

- Find the sluttiest girl in the room wherever you go and hit on her obnoxiously. This will substantiate your position as most douchey/most single guy in the room and probably scare away any of the relationshipy girls in observable proximity.

- Hit on women walking around while you are driving. Especially if there is more than one of you in the car. I am not very responsive to this, but it must work, or so many of you wouldn't do it.

-Write blog entries about your sex life. Or make a sex tape...actually, maybe only do the sex tape if you are a celeb. Even you wannabe LA singles who haven't actually gotten laid since your second year of college should totally do the blog thing though. It makes you look both desirable and artistic.

-Shop at Kitson on Melrose.

-Eat at Urth Cafe while you are at it. On the patio!

-Drive a BMW 3 Series or Mercedes C Series. Smart girls will know those are the low-end of luxury and think you should have gone with an Acura or Toyota, but the dumb girls will be impressed. I don't have to tell you, the less intelligent the better.

-Wear at least one of these items at all times: True Religion jeans, a scarf (even during summer), Ed Hardy t-shirt, a blingy watch, a shirt with a low v-neck.

These are only a few suggestions, but I hope they reveal the mindset, helpful behaviors, and basic material items necessary to make you the most douchey single guy ever. Best of luck to you!