Complaining About Poor Grammar On Facebook

Apparently 573,561 people “like” the page “The correct usage of "You're", "Your", "There", "Their" and "They're”" on Facebook.

While I am all for a dialogue that encourages a better understanding of our language, I don’t think the stylistically relaxed and informal setting of social networking sites and text messages are the appropriate places to preach about word usage or apostrophes.  If you got frustrated with every person who used poor grammar on the internet, you’d lose your mind…really, this is Facebook: not a cover letter for your dream job or a college dissertation. Congratulations on your confidence in a few basic grammatical fundamentals but let’s not get carried away criticizing people or bragging. I know, it's hard for me to believe too, but there are still people in the world who not have learned English as their first language or, even more shocking, are actually less intelligent than you. Unfortunately, most of the people who fall into that category spent their school years in special education classes or were born addicted to crack; still, I will try not to rain too much on your parade.

Those of us who were fortunate enough to grow up in this country with a (mostly) functioning mind and receive the benefits of our country’s mediocre educational system will remember that underpaid teachers had been begging us to learn when to use "then" and "than" and what an apostrophe means since we were in first grade. The fact that, at the ripe old age of 25, you finally picked a few of those not-very-complicated nuances doesn’t mean you deserve a Nobel Peace Prize – it means you need to get a real job or take a few more classes at community college and expand your greatest academic achievement a bit.

Guide To Awkward Elevator Rides

1. After pushing the call button and fidgeting while waiting for the red light, stare eagerly at the double doors about to open. Position yourself directly in front and center of the double doors to ensure IF someone is exiting, an awkward three-step avoidance dance will ensue.

2. If the doors open to a elevator with additional people continuing on with you - it is customary to portray your heart sinking to your feet. Feel free to let out an audible sigh each time a button is pressed before your stop.

3. If the elevators are empty, quickly dart inside, pretending not to notice the other woman six feet away, obviously heading towards the elevator. 'Close Doors' button is your friend.

4. The best opportunity for en-route awkward conversation is an instance in which you and one other stranger are trapped inside a moving metal box together. This conversation should begin with with a comment about the weather. Keep the comment to (not greater than) one sentence. It is okay to look at the other rider(s) at this time. However, at all other times during this trip you must keep your eyes fixated at your feet or the mirrors on the walls.

5. Next, about halfway to the first stop, comment on the speed of the elevator, followed by a chuckle or other noise indicating you amuse yourself. Good examples include "Any day now - har har har." or "Moving quickly today! hehehehehe".

6. Especially when paired or left with one stranger, an exit phrase is required when you or the stranger, whomever's stop is first, finally arrive at their floor. This phrase MUST be spoken after you have exited the elevator and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to be facing the other person or looking in their eyes. Try to say something like "Well, have a nice day," as insincerely as possible, while the double doors close again.

You Call It Indignant, I Call It Adorable

By now, it has been well documented that I love to dress up animals. Hats and scarves to doggie bikinis, I love it all. In recent days, however, I have noticed my interests are now starting to expand. Next on the horizon - animals wearing wigs.

I mean, really. How fucking cute and hilarious is that? I am pretty confident this is not just another Britt-being-easily-amused situation. To my surprise and delight (and hopefully to yours as well), I apparently am not alone in taking pleasure in this --to some, allegedly indignant-- fascination. Take a gander at this collection of my favorite photos:


See. They all look perfectly content - animals LOVE attention any way they can get it, including wearing wigs and/or ugly clothing.

Enthusiasm for P.F. Changs

Let me preface this post by saying, though I may enjoy massive amounts of vegetarian lettuce wraps on occasion, P.F. Changs is one of the few things I am not obsessed with.

The following passage is something two people I know well, who will remain anonymous, wrote. Perhaps with the help of some "herbal supplements" but that is just an educated guess :) It amuses me. A lot.

Enjoy!

P.F. Changs: Epic Noms (Terre d'Amour)

From the moment I entered through the revolving door which, if only for an instant, drew the room's eyes to me, I began to feel the warmth of the spotlight shone upon me from the rafters and I truly felt, inside, like the emperor that I have always felt like deep inside. As I strode up to the marble podium, my hand brushed it's polished stone and I felt the royalty of dynasties past seeping into my vulnerable mortal pores. The hostess, like a fallen angel freshly descended from the heavens, offered her precious voice to query my desires, and with the gift of time led me to my fortress among the murals of my elders. I sat for a short time and was approached shortly by my assigned servant, clad in black linens and an eager sparkle in her eye. She handed me a scroll with names of meals fit for their guest of honor. I commanded she bring me back with a gluten-free menu to tend to my celiac-prone bowels and she swiftly trotted to the rear of the restaurant to meet my needs. Finally, I settled on the Mongolian Beef, several tender cuts of succulent cow smothered in a savory and sweet dark sauce and doused with green bits of onion that is green and the Chang's Spicy Chicken, which is in a spicy yet surprisingly sweet and tangy sauce -- WHAT A FANTASTIC COMBINATION! Who would've thought that two such opposite ingredients could come together in such astonishing epicurean sublimity. I mean WOW. HOW DELICIOUS. The finale to my grand royal buffet was the flourless chocolate dome, a palace built just for my innards. As I was handed my royal thanks in the form of a receipt, I was stunned and astonished at the low fee they demanded of me for my night of royal feasting. I rose from my throne with a new-found respect for this temple of fine dining located in the Centerra village. It was really superb.

Lady GaGa's "New" CD

Time for my completely meritless opinion on pop music!

Why did I just pay $13.99 for 8 new GaGa tracks?

Two reasons:

One: I am obsessed with the GaGa and two: I'm stupid.

Apparently her new CD was originally intended to be a re-release of The Fame. Instead, Fame Monster contains all the tracks from The Fame with 8 new tracks. DUH - I already own everything from The Fame! I had to buy the whole CD from iTunes before fully realizing what was going on here because I couldn't get that (damn catchy) new tune, Bad Romance out of my brain.

This was sort of a shithead move from whoever is responsible for this. PLUS - and maybe I speak too soon and the songs will grow on me - I only like 3 of the 8 new songs - and 2 of the 3 I like are juuuust barely. What is up with the slow songs? And she definitely does not make her voice as pretty/girly as songs from The Fame (she must love the rumors about her). Not to detract from the fact Bad Romance is a great song and I still love her...I just...expected more.

Brittany Recommends: MTV's Jersey Shore

Bravo's Million Dollar Listing is not my only recent "reality" show guilty pleasure. Oh no. MTV debuted the first two-hour episode of "Jersey Shore" last Thursday. GUIDO-GASM.

I think it is pretty well established that, at least us West Coasters are fascinated with and love Guidos. I'm not talking cool, GoodFellas-type Italian gangsters, I am talking My New Haircut caliber Jersey, fake tanned, over groomed, Affliction shirt wearing Guidos. "Jersey Shore"(Thursday nights, MTV) exploits this weakness and delivers everything we expect from a stereotypical Guido: guys who regularly refer to women as "bitches" and "skanks", douchey hot tub antics, night clubs, way too many exposed chests and girls with nicknames like "Snookie" and "J Wow" who "on a mission to find the hottest, muscley Jersey Guido and take him home".

This group of Guidos and Guidettes (they call themselves that) are a group of strangers living together at a Jersey Shore beach house for the summer. Much like "The Real World" the Guidos/Guidettes are "there to party" but have to work in a t-shirt shop on the pier while living in the house.

Memorable quotes from the first episode include:

"Lose about five or ten pounds and then we'll talk!" -Mike "The Situation" after Angelina refers to herself as "hot" (PS - Mike got his nickname because, he says, his abs are so "ripped up, we call it The Situation")

"Just take your shirt off and let them come to you. Like a fly comes to shit." - Ronnie

"This job is beneath me. I am a bartender, I do, you know, great things." - Angelina

"I’m very anxious to get down there with my hot clothes, and my tan. Just arrive. 'Cause once I arrive it's like, what's up, I'm here." - Mike The Situation"

"My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey, find a juiced, hot, tan guy and live my life." - Nicole "Snookie"

"I got a f---ing tanning bed in my place, that's how serious I am about being a Guido and living up to that lifestyle." - Pauly D

"I left the club early because I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend. And I felt like eating ham and drinking water." - Jennifer "JWow"

I think these quotes sell the show on their own, but if anything else, catch the second episode tonight at 10 so we have something to talk about this weekend. Cheers!

Brittany Recommends: Million Dollar Listing

"You Cheapen This Day!" is Chad Rogers' (left) self-assigned catchphrase. Apparently cheapen is actually a word (it just does not sound right to me...) but that does not change the fact Chad's catchphrase, much like the rest of the reality TV show he is featured on, inexplicably amuse me to no end.

Chad is one of three spoiled, successful Los Angeles real estate agents featured on Bravo TV's "Million Dollar Listing", affectionately referred to by me as "Million Dollar Douchebags".

I discovered this show several months ago and just caught the finale of what is apparently the third season on Monday. Let me tell you how many hours of mindless entertainment this show (even watching episodes twice) as brought me...okay, let's not. Rather embarrassing.

Yes, that is a tiny dog in Chad's arm. Though Chad's sexuality, like the other two young male real estate agents on the show, seems ambiguous at best, Chad is an allegedly straight man with an attractive girlfriend. Starla (doggy) comes with him to showings and real estate events and he proclaims helps him "seal the deal" in obtaining and selling listings. Chad boasts a six hundred dollar scenester haircut and made his attractive girlfriend sign a 50% split custody agreement for Starla, if they break up they share equal "visitation". If Starla's custody arrangement and Chad's genius catchphrase haven't reeled you in yet - don't worry-there are two more slightly less, but still very amusing boys to follow.

Madison, probably the most sane, definitely the most gorgeous and now an "out" gay man (of course..) is the Malibu guy. Right, center. Josh (right, far right) is the 90210 guy who says he "lives, works and plays in Beverly Hills". Obviously born into money, Josh drives his Porsche around the 90210, acts unnaturally aware of the camera following him around and is a (hilarious) sad excuse for a self-proclaimed flirt.

Many bubble-bursters have cautioned me against growing too attached to the reality portion of reality TV. In this case, it is pretty obvious at least some of the interactions in the show are staged, but that only adds to the beauty. People this douchey really don't exist in real life anyway...I hope!

Either way, I would definitely implore you to not "cheapen this day", and give the Million Dollar Douchebags a shot.

Stereotypes

I searched for my blog's URL as a title on Google this morning.

Of course, mine didn't show up but, this blog did:

"Blondes Have More Fun!
Dispite all the stress - life is full of fun surprises!"


(I hope this is like the license plate frame I had in high school - as a joke - top: Blondes, bottom: [upside down] Are Not Dumb....otherwise ...ugh. Okay, I'm done.)

Brittany's Guide To An All American Thanksgiving

10:00 a.m. - Wake up. Shower optional.

10:30 a.m. - Don't eat breakfast in anticipation of overeating later.

11:00 a.m. - Watch people make food...from a comfortable distance (i.e. living room), careful to not get called into the kitchen.

11:15 a.m. - MAYBE volunteer to pick up an LA Times (for Black Friday ads) from 7-11. Consider procrastinating a little longer (lazy) but let greed (the fear 7-11 will run out of LA Times papers) win this time. Those extra $20.00 off that electronic item would come in handy for a DVD or a pedicure.

11: 30 a.m. - Start drinking wine.

12:00 noon - Begin planning tomorrow's retail assault.

1:00 p.m. - Commence complaining re: being hungry.

2:00 p.m. - eat dinner. FINALLY. Seconds necessary. Thirds optional.

3:00 p.m. - Stare blankly at the TV screen while others watch football.

4: 00 p.m. - Eat pie. Continue drinking wine at leisurely pace. Talk/ask questions during football game just to annoy football fans.

5:00 p.m. - Play board games with children. Speed up wine consumption.

6:00 p.m. - Eat more mashed potatoes.

6:15 p.m. - Lay in bed - wait for room in stomach to open up.

6: 30 p.m. - Eat more pie, continue Black Friday war plan.

7:00 p.m. - Watch movie or old Twilight Zone episodes.

8:30 p.m. - Go to sleep. Blame exhaustion on turkey.

2:45 a.m. - Hit snooze button on alarm (add an extra 15 mins to ACTUAL planned wake up time for first alarm interruption.)

3:00 a.m. - Hit snooze button again anyway.

3:15 a.m. - Almost hit snooze button a third time, but manage to force yourself out of bed.

3:30 a.m. - Drive to Wal-mart to purchase Blu-Ray player...holiday gift for yourself.

4:00 a.m. - Arrive at Wal-mart. Can't find parking. Notice line is already long. Stand in line for one hour, but give up on getting the Blu-Ray player before store opens.

5:00 a.m. - Settle for McDonalds drive-thru breakfast and go back to bed.

Things I Am Thankful For: Wardrobe Help

Remember this trend from 1999? Ugg Boots with short mini skirts? Of course you remember it because several poor women are still under the misguided impression this look is either attractive and/or trendy.


Take Exhibit A to the left, for example. Try not to focus on the ratty, box-colored, fakey-looking jet black hair or the blatant booty shot. Furry boots and a stripper skirt? REALLY? Being a product of Southern California, I am not a master on this whole concept of "seasons" but even I know this makes zero sense AND you totally need an adequate stripper heel to pair with that skirt:
Maybe they need sympathy: if they really like Ugg boots (I don't know why...) and live in Venice Beach where the temperature rarely falls below 70 degrees during the day, they have no place to wear these furry beasts without sweating their tanning-salon orange asses off. The above combo is, maybe an attempt to balance body temperature and promote lower body ventilation. Poor girls.

Obviously, I have spent too much time thinking about these outfits and too much energy rationalizing furry boots and skirts. I have decided that I, and I submit that you as well, should be thankful this is still happening. There are not many times that I feel like I have the fashion edge (my favorite clothing items are bedazzled and/or leopard print) so girls who think this looks cute are UNDOUBTEDLY making me look better. So, thank you ladies, keep finding ways to keep those Uggs in your wardrobe while remaining as hoochie as possible: I need all the help I can get.